When Darkness Comes - Part 5: Finding God in the Darkness
This post will be rather long and contains aspects of my own experience in the darkness, but I share the details to help you understand the process.
We have been learning about the darkness. We have seen its beginning; created by an Almighty God for the benefit of His creation. Darkness was not meant to be bad. It was not meant to hide evil and torment the sinner, but our unseen enemy wanted to make the good bad. From the moment he became enamored with his beauty and too proud to place himself under the authority of the divine creator he has chosen to manipulate that which is good, right and true.
If I came to you and said, “I am going through a very dark time,” wouldn’t you assume I was struggling? Wouldn’t you pray for the light to come back into my life, so I might once again be walking in the blessedness of my Savior’s love? Why do we assume, darkness is not the place we are meant to walk? How did we get to the point where struggle and disappointment in life is thought to be in our lives because of something we did or did not do? Why do we embrace the light, the sun, the beautiful blue skies and gentle breezy days, but not the night, the dark, the gray lumbering clouds over a storm tossed sea? Isn’t all of it allowed by our Heavenly Father? Doesn’t every circumstance that comes into our lives come first through the gentle and loving hands of our risen Lord?
“I form light and create darkness;
I make well-being and create calamity;
I am the Lord, who does all these things.”
I will be the first to admit, I do not like this truth, but truth it is. The scripture is full of God’s truth. We are not allowed to take one truth, but not the other. We do have a free will and we can dislike some of the truths that are in the Bible, but that does not change the fact that they are the truths put forth by a holy and perfect God. Part of the key to being able to accept God’s truth is to really get to know Him. Many people read one verse and decide, God is fickle, or angry, or malevolent, but they are not seeing the entire picture. Just as we take time to get to know the person we fall in love with, falling in love with God takes time and a willingness to trust.
Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay
I want to take this part of my series on When Darkness Comes, slowly. These are the things we need to understand, and know with the very core of our being. This is where the Holy Spirit makes effective the work that Jesus did on the cross. This is the time when our head knowledge, must become heart knowledge.
My Experience
About a month ago, I was having a particularly difficult time. I have long struggled with my self image, often feeling worthless and useless. Over the last 34 years as a wife and mother I have struggled with the poor choices I made, my lack of love and compassion for both my spouse and our daughters. I grieved over the death of my father, the ensuing changes in my mother’s life and how that made life more complex. I witnessed divisions and strife in our church. I became aware of the trauma one of my family members suffered at the hands of a supposed “man of God.” I saw this same family member walk away from the church and begin a self-destructive path of rebellion against God and self-indulgent behavior. During this period I sought counsel from a licensed counselor and was told I was “mercy gone wild.” I learned about boundaries and letting go of many of the dreams I had for myself and my family. I was regularly building coffins, throwing my dreams inside, nailing them shut and burying them.
Image by Rob van der Meijden from Pixabay
Life slowly began to be less chaotic, but things were, and still are, hard. Recently, we learned our youngest daughter has a brain tumor. In addition to that she has been having a multiplicity of symptoms such as numbness, pain, tremors, dizziness and nausea. To this day, those things are still unresolved and the doctors do not believe her symptoms to be related to the tumor, which is very small and which, for now, they are keeping an eye on. This is just another straw on that proverbial camel’s back that makes the load heavier and heavier.
In my desire to draw closer to God, He lead me to see there is only one way to do this. I must take Him completely at His word. During that time a month ago, I had a three day period of a sadness so deep, I did not know how God was going to bring me out of it. I was hopeless. Hopeless for our country, hopeless for my daughter, hopeless for those who think they know truth, but are wearing blinders, hopeless for so many young people who have walked away from the church and from Him, and hopeless for myself. I never felt so completely lost in the darkness. I cried. No, I sobbed. I could not stop sobbing. Hour after hour I wondered how I could make so many tears.
Finally, when the tears began to dry up, I heard God’s voice telling me, “Get your journal and tell me what you know.”
This is the first step to finding Him in the deep darkness. Remind yourself of who God is.
Learn Who God is, and then Tell Him
Photo Rebecca Trumbull.
(excerpt take from my journal - Bible verses added after)
Lord, I know Your truth. Your word gives me that truth and it never changes.
“Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth.”
“The grass withers, the flower fades,
But the word of our God stands forever.”
I know Your lovingkindness is everlasting.
“But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting for those who fear Him,
And His justice to the children’s children,”
I know Your mercies are new every morning.
“For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning.”
I know Your grace is matchless.
“For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace.”
You have freely given, so I might freely receive.
“Now we have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given to us by God.”
You have bridged the gap between our sin laden world and your perfect heaven. I know You gave us Jesus. It was Your plan that He be the perfect sacrifice.
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life.”
I know all have sinned and fall short of Your glory.
“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
I know the punishment for sin is death.
“For the wages of sin is death, but the gracious gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
I know, whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.
“for “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.””
I know it is not by my own power and strength, but because of your mercy, that you saved me.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;
9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
I know you have removed my sin as far as the east is from the west.
“As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our wrongdoings from us.”
Every truth, I believe about God is backed by scripture and these are just a few of them. You could do whole studies on the attributes and characteristics of our Almighty Redeemer. It is important when we are in the darkness to go back to what we know is true and to cling to it.
Next week we will look at the next phase of our journey as we walk in the dark. Thank you for following along.