How Shall We Then Grow?

Knowing everything we know, we have to make choices about how we live. We have to decide who we hang out with, what activities we are going to do and what sorts of foods we are going to eat. We are also faced with choices about our personalities. Do I show my anger? Do I choose to ignore difficult remarks? Will I show kindness when I have been hurt? In our friendships we have the difficulty of choosing how we grow with people we don't see as often as our families, and with whom we may not feel as comfortable being honest. Vulnerability comes to mind. The word vulnerable means "capable of being physically or emotionally wounded" (Webster). Well, forget that! I mean who in their right mind wants to open themselves to physical or emotional attack? Okay, so I know that my friends are not going to harm me physically, at least not intentionally. Some of us are rather clumsy. But what about emotional harm?

If you have friends you are automatically open to emotional harm. I know that we all put up walls. If you have been through abuse your walls are thicker and taller than most other peoples. You may have a hard time opening yourself up to friendships, in part, because you don't want to be vulnerable with another person. But real, fruitful friendships must carry a certain amount of vulnerability. Becoming more vulnerable is a way to grow in your relationships. It's not easy and really you must be a fairly secure individual to be able to do this. It requires honesty and a back bone. I like to offer a few ways to become more vulnerable with your friends.

Photo Credit Rebecca Trumbull

1. Bible studies. Find a study you and your friends can do together. Host it in your home or  find one already in place at a church and go together. There are multitudes of studies out there on relationships, family, suffering, service and growth. Beth Moore has a plethora of studies on many different topics and all based on scripture. Check out her website at Living Proof Ministries. Another great Bible study author is Kay Arthur. Her website is Precept Ministries International. Bible study allows women to grow together in God's word. If the study is fairly small it also allows time for discussion and where women discuss vulnerability happens. 

2. Book clubs. Reading books together is a great way to be on the same page, pardon my pun, and also be able to openly converse. A book club can be a fun way to get together and provide a platform for conversation.  Maybe you want a light hearted, fun discussion so you pick books that will provide laughter. Perhaps your group wants to read things that are controversial and compelling. Maybe historical fictions or science fiction will provide ideas for questions and discussion that you had never thought of. Be creative. Let those who want to, pick out a book to read and then lead the discussion. Talking about books can be a great way to get to know each other and create new opportunities to be vulnerable. There are a few good websites that give suggestions for book club books: Goodreads, Flashlight Worthy, Litlovers, and more.

3. Be active together. Doing things together one on one can also be a great way to open up and be honest with your friends. Time together with just one friend can lead to much deeper and meaningful conversations than when you are with a group. Do a physical activity together like going for a walk at a park or in the neighborhood. Meet for a "friend" date: get lunch or dinner then go to a movie. Volunteer together. Donate blood together. Teach each other how to do something. Maybe you know how to play the piano and your friend knows how to knit. Spend time teaching each other your skills. Spending time together will foster a healthy habitat of trust and vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is hard, but creating a healthy environment of trust and fun will make it easier for you and for your friends.

Are There Roadblocks in Your Friendships?

I am sitting at a Barnes and Noble trying to type this post and next to me is a table with 4 women. They are obviously friends. They are smiling, laughing, sharing stories about their lives, families and other friends. It reminds me of my own experience with my own friends. When we get together we laugh, share stories and commiserate. But these types of relationships don't just happen. They take time and effort, just like our faith, our marriages and so many other good things like diet, exercise and prayer. This week I have been looking at things that stunt our growth, first with our faith and our marriages. We also can come up against roadblocks in our friendships. I have found with some friends our relationships continue to deepen and broaden; with others not so much. Sometimes that difference is due to differing personalities or wider age gaps. Once in a while a friendship struggles for other reasons. Today, I'd like to look at four friendship hindrances.

1. Jealousy and competition. There is no worse feeling than to be jealous of your friends. When I was in junior high my best girlfriend and I loved going to amusement parks together. Being in junior high, the hormones beginning to surge, we would often look for cute boys and then follow them discretely around the park. My friend Stacey was a beautiful girl. She had some Native American blood which gave her a gorgeous tan in the summer. She also had lovely, full lips. I was your average tomboy with a bad haircut. I started to notice that boys would watch her and look at her or try to talk to her. I might as well have been a smushed piece of gum on the bottom of her flip flop. I remember feeling very jealous and by the end of the day I would be glad to go home. That attitude did nothing to solidify our friendship. Even as adults we can become jealous of what our friends have or don't have, their homes, spouses, careers or families. We feel that we have to be better, smarter, prettier. We have bought into the philosophy that says, "I am not enough." Having this mentality will push you to become competitive and bitter, because your life will not look like theirs.

2. Unconfessed hurts and sins. If you read my other two posts this week this will sound familiar. If we allow jealousy, competition or other bad attitudes to dictate our actions and thoughts it will, eventually affect our friendships. We need to be honest and we need to ask the Lord to help us in this area. Paul admonished us to be content.

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.”

— Philippians 4:11 (NASB)

Learning to be content takes focus and practice.

“We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,”

— 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NASB)

Taking every thought captive. Every time you feel jealous of what your friend has, take it captive and give it to Jesus. Follow this up by being honest with your friend. If they are a true friend they will help you walk through the difficulty rather than running away. Do the same for them.

3. Technology. This is a tight rope walk. Technology can enhance friendships with the ability to text, call , Skype, Twitter and so on, but it really is a double edged sword. It gives us little or no time to check our facts before we send along a piece of news (gossip) about another person. It also allows us to text one friend while another friend is sitting at the same table. These types of activities can lead to misunderstandings and mistrust. Technology also becomes a suitcase full of our own interests and hobbies which we continue to read about, play, watch or listen to, when we are supposed to be hanging out with our friends. Having your phone on in case some one needs to get a hold of you is one thing. Playing with your phone while we are supposed to be having lunch...well, I am sorry to say this, but that is rude! 

4. Busyness. Once again, I must touch on the "B" word. Life is busy. There is no way around that. And in today's face paced, bottom-line driven world it is hard to slow down. However, to maintain and grow our friendships and any worthwhile relationships we need to make a choice to get off the wheel and out of the gerbil cage. Recently a friend of mine had a crisis occur in her family. I texted her, stopped by and went on walks with her. There was a point on one day where I reached for my phone to text her and see if she wanted to get together and I thought, "I don't have time! I need to grocery shop and work on the blog. I have to go to that party tomorrow night and bring food...." I shook my head and reached for my phone. We took a walk that same day and we both benefited. Our emotions benefited. Our health benefited. Our spirits benefited and our friendship benefited. Busyness is a fact of life, but friendship is a choice. 

“A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably. ”

— William Penn

Are You Inspiring Courage, Spirit and Hope?

Just as I looked at areas for growth in marriage, we need to examine the areas for growth in our friendships. I find one of the hardest areas to grow in my relationships with others is the amount of time that I can invest. I work part time, take care of my Grandson, work on growth in my marriage, try to maintain a relationship with my two daughters and the rest of the time eat and sleep. Okay, so I also do a few dishes, throw in a load or five of laundry and don't forget the grocery shopping, paying the bills, cleaning the toilets and....well, you get the idea. And that does not include being involved in a Bible study and a book club. Time is not a commodity any of us have too much of.

Investing time in a relationship, especially a friendship has to be done with some planning and intent. I have mentioned intentionality before and I will again. All our best laid plans can be easily thwarted if we do not act with intentionality. Webster's Thesaurus uses these words as synonyms for intentional: conscious, deliberate, purposeful and willful. Other related words include: designed, planned, measured and premeditated. A plan is only good if it is actually used. When it comes to time we need to recognize it is an investment and then plan how we are going to contribute to that investment.

My best girlfriend since junior high lives back in Buffalo, NY where I grew up. I make the trip back about two or three times a year as my mother is still living and I have a brother, sister-in-law, nieces and a nephew and their families in that area. Whenever I am planning to make the trip I always connect with Stacey and let her know I will be in town and ask if she has any time to get together. Sometimes we'll spend a whole day together doing things we both enjoy like shopping, eating out and going to a movie. When time is more limited, we might just go for a walk down her country road or park on the couch in her living room and just talk. We are both making an investment in our relationship and it helps our friendship to stay strong and vital. Time is an area that must continue to grow to ensure the long life the friendship.

Another area of growth would be in our ability to be honest. This is not an easy thing to do. Honesty has to be cushioned in love and gentleness for it to be effective. I generally don't have an issue with my own shortcomings. I am pretty good at being honest with my friends about those. What I do struggle with is two fold. I hesitate to be honest about my hopes and dreams with my friends. I often feel as though they have too many of their own struggles so that, I don't want to take up their time talking about my pipe dreams. The other thing I struggle with is being honest with them about their quirks. I am not a prophet, that is my husband's job. I am a mercy shower, so I am constantly looking for the good in people. So, I guess I have just been honest with all of you reading this post. There is always need for growth and being honest with your friends enables them to be better people both as listeners and as comrades.

Finally, a soapbox I must get on is the need for encouragement. Do you know how many suffering, hurting, people there are in the world and a few of them are your very own friends. Encouragement has become a lost art in our world, or at least it seems that way. Life becomes a list of do's and don'ts, a contract made of stone and signed in blood, sweat and tears. We have forgotten the balm of an encouraging word; the oil of inspiration; the gentle touch of stated kindness. Look at these verses with me:

“But charge Joshua and encourage him and strengthen him, for he shall go across at the head of this people, and he will give them as an inheritance the land which you will see.”

— Deuteronomy 3:28 (NASB)

“And Jonathan, Saul’s son, arose and went to David at Horesh, and encouraged him in God”

— I Samuel 23:16 (NASB)

“Encourage the exhausted, and strengthen the feeble.”

— Isaiah 35:3 (NASB)

“Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.”

— I Thessalonians 5:11 (NASB)

“We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

— I Thessalonians 5:14 (NASB)

“But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”

— Hebrews 3:13 (NASB)

If you have friends, you need to encourage them. If you have any relationships learn how to be an encourager. I'm preaching to the choir here! Find out how to be encouraging. What works for one person may not work for another. According to Webster encouragement means to "inspire with courage, spirit or hope." Isn't that lovely? To inspire with courage, spirit or hope. I'd say Webster put it pretty eloquently. Who needs your inspiration today? Who needs courage to keep moving forward? Who has lost their hope? 

If you want to be a true friend, grow these three areas in your life and your friendships will flourish like a beautiful spring garden.

Photo Credit Rebecca Trumbull

Spitting is Serious Business!

Have you ever noticed the water that pools behind a log jam in a creek, stream or river? Often it is less than desirable looking water. It is not water I would dip my thermos into for a nice long drink. I probably wouldn't swim in it either. These pools of water become homes to stagnant pollution and bacteria. What makes a river or stream appealing is its motility. Whether it is a river raging over a cliff like Niagara Falls, or a simple brook gurgling through a stony gully; the sight and sound of water moving sets our minds at ease. Unless it is plumbing!!

I love the water analogy and as we talk about growth, this month, you will hear me refer to it again. Life, even in its chaos can become brackish. Especially in our friendships. Just like our marriages, our friendships can get thrown on that same, "I'll do it later" pile. Friends are part of what keep life moving. They add dimension and color to our daily existence, just as the stones and crevices add music to the water's journey. However, we can allow these relationships, just as our marriages, to grow stagnant.

Revelation 3:14-22 refers to the church at Laodicea as being lukewarm and this was not a temperature that God looked favorably upon. 

“I know your deeds that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.”

— Revelation 3:15-16 (NASB)

The word used for "spit" literally means "vomit". That's a pretty strong statement coming from the Almighty. While God was referring to this church and their deeds, we can become lukewarm in many aspects of our lives, including our friendships. Aren't we commanded in Hebrews 10:24 to stimulate one another to love and good deeds? How can we stimulate or encourage if we are lukewarm? How's this for mamby pamby:

“I really should call Stacey. Or I could email her. It’s been a while since I talked to her. But I need to work on my blog, and she’s probably busy anyway. Maybe I will just send her a card next week. Or maybe I will pray for her later.....”

— Amy's Sarcasm

No wonder God said, "I will spit you out of my mouth."

Our friendships are in no less need of growth and vitality than any other part of our lives. We need accountability. Accountability is basically being responsible for your actions. Friendships offer a way to have someone else hold you accountable. Lack of accountability results in a free-for-all, undisciplined life. I need my friends. My "sisters" help me to refocus when my boundaries are getting blurry. They literally keep me walking the straight and narrow with their questions, shopping trips, book clubs and with their prayers. Growth is mandatory to keep these important relationships from becoming lukewarm, spit out of the mouth casualties. 

I have a group of ladies that I get together with every other week. These three women have been a source of inspiration for me. Their varied life experiences, their faith and their ability to laugh at me and themselves are magnified by their desire to never stop growing. We have read everything from D.L. Moody and A.W. Tozer to novels like A Tale of Two Cities and our current challenge Pilgrims Progress. We talk, we laugh and sometimes we get very serious. We all know that life is hard and that we need each other to keep on keeping on. 

I guess, what I have discovered over this past week as I've begun to write about growth, is that growth will happen all around if I, personally, am growing. In order to do that I need to surround myself with people, who are interested not only in their own growth, but mine, as well. I hope that in some small way, this blog will become like a friend to you. I hope that I will become a friend to you and that we will help each other to grow.