Dare to be Disciplined? Doubt it!

Wow! I just looked at the last time I posted on this faith page. It was November 20th. Yikes! That is way too long. I apologize for the absence and hope to get back to a more regular posting schedule as soon as possible. I have realized over the years that I am not a very disciplined person. I mean, sure, I can get up and go to work when I have to. I make sure there is clean underwear and clean dishes to eat off of on a regular basis, but when it comes to creating new habits, or being self-motivated….that’s a different story.

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Taking a look at Webster’s online dictionary we see that discipline falls into two categories. The first uses the word as a noun and includes the ideas of self-control, orderly or prescribed conduct, punishment, instruction or a field of study. The other use is as a verb and is the action of imposing punishment, order or training.

If I scrutinize my own life, I can see areas where I do have the noun discipline. The regular habits of brushing my teeth, taking a shower, getting out of bed at a similar time every day, etc. are all done out of discipline. However, there seem to be an inordinate amount of areas where I don’t exercise (verb) discipline. These would include eating healthy, exercise, blogging, writing and spending (or not spending).

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Obviously, I wouldn’t have survived to the age of 56 if I wasn’t doing something to take care of myself. I honestly don’t get sick very often, unless it is from being around my Grandson and we all know children are walking petri dishes full of all manner of bacteria and viruses. I wouldn’t have survived working seasonal at Kohl’s if I wasn’t used to walking and working hard. I also wouldn’t still be blogging if I wasn’t exercising some amount of discipline with regard to regularly posting and giving you new content.

So why all the fuss over this idea of discipline?

It seems every New Year our minds are full of ideas of what we want to accomplish in the coming year. We are thrilled to start with a blank slate. We make lists of things we are going to do, which often include: lose weight, join a gym, exercise, eat more veggies, spend less money, treat our spouses and families better and more. These are not bad. It is a good thing to want to do better, to change, to grow, to get rid of old bad habits and start doing good ones.

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I read a post from jillsamter on Instagram, that by January 3rd 75% of people who made New Year’s resolutions give up on them. Wow! That is crazy. That is only three days. Not very hopeful, is it? So why do we desire to change so much, but seem so incredibly inept at actually making those changes happen and stick for good?

Try these ideas on for size:

1 - Laziness - I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t like to think of myself as lazy, but I am. Webster’s defines lazy as, a disinterest to activity or exertion. That describes me on more than one occasion. Ha, ha. How many of us hit the snooze button on our alarms? How many times do we choose to binge watch a show rather than going out for a walk, or doing the dishes? How often do we go out to eat, rather than going through the work of planning, cooking and cleaning up after a meal? Isn’t it just easier to not get a good habit started at all, than to put in the effort of trying, only to give up after a few days?

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2 - No accountability - If no one is watching what will we do? Probably nothing, or maybe everything. We will eat that extra piece of cake; spend the afternoon watching Netflix and turn ourselves into an ingrown toenail of discouragement and unchanged habits. Even God’s Word tells us victory is obtained with help from others.

“Where there is no guidance the people fall,
But in abundance of counselors there is victory”

— Proverbs 11:21 (NASB)

There is something good about having others hold you accountable. There is also something humbling about it. That leads me to the next point.

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3 - Pride - “I don’t have a problem that needs fixing. I am just fine, doing what I am doing.” “There is no way I’m going to the gym. I don’t want everyone staring at my booty!” “Discipline is overrated. I read my Bible once in a while and I even pray before most of my meals.” “I don’t want people holding me accountable. My time is my own and what I do with it is my business.”

Have you ever found yourself thinking these thoughts. I have. Discipline is hard work and we don’t like to think that we haven’t got everything figured out.

4 - Fear - This is probably one of the biggest factors that keep us from being a more disciplined people, but the fear is real, folks. Whether we fear what others will think of us, how much effort it is going to take, or what we are going to have to give up, we are afraid that in gaining control over ourselves and our lives, we will lose control over all of the things we really don’t have any control over.

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Honestly, think about it. I’m afraid, if I really start eating healthy, I’ll never be able to have another piece of pizza or chocolate cake again. I am afraid, if I go to the gym, I am going to look like an absolute fat fool surrounded by all those skinny people in their cute little leggings and pony tails. I’m afraid, that if I try to be a better person it will kill me! Ha, ha. That last one might be a little extreme, but we often think in dramatic, extreme terms.

So how do we deal with this idea of discipline?

“All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

— Hebrews 12:11 (NASB)

God knew this idea of discipline would not be easy. Our desire for things to be easy, compounded by our desire to satisfy our flesh means discipline is going to be a full time, life long job.

Recognize reality. Discipline is work. We’ve all heard the saying that work is a four letter word; this being from a time period when four letter cuss words were taboo. Discipline is your job. When I became an employee, first at the bookstore and then at a retail business, I committed to a contract. I committed to working for the allotted time I was scheduled. I committed to coming in on the days I was scheduled at the time I was scheduled. I committed to not stealing from the company. I committed to doing my job to the best of my ability. The only difference between the job and the gym (or other areas of discipline) is my level of commitment.

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Now that I am currently not employed I thought, why not make writing my job? Writing is my dream career, so why not treat it like it is? Why not get up at the same time every day, get my cup of tea and start working on finding freelance jobs, writing a short story to submit and working on that novel that has been simmering in my mind for a long time? My plan is to commit to a time period every day similar to a job, so maybe four to eight hours (with breaks of course). Discipline is work!

Examine expectations. Expect the unexpected. I think what often derails our plans to be more disciplined are real life distractions. I’m calling them distractions, but sometimes it is just life: your child gets sick and is home from school, your mother fell and broke her ankle, you had to work extra hours this week. All of these things sap our energy and take away time that we committed to being better disciplined.

Are you placing expectations on yourself that just aren’t realistic? My spouse and I have family out of state. We know that traveling to visit family is a priority. That means things like having a garden, and keeping a perfectly clean house are not going to be realistic at this time in our lives. I’d like to go to the gym three days a week, but right now I’d be happy with one. I’d like to walk three miles every day, but a more realistic goal is once a week (especially since it has been raining for two days now).

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I am not saying we shouldn’t push and reach. Of course that is part of the work idea of discipline, but expecting to much to start and then failing may thwart our efforts permanently.

Start small. Baby steps. I got out of bed this morning by eight. I had more mornings this week, where I had to be out of bed by six, because I was helping my daughter get my Grandson to school. Seasonal Affective Disorder makes everything more difficult in the winter. Especially all of the things that take discipline. This is how I really feel…I want to stay in my pajamas, turn on Netflix, have a cup of tea and a bag of cream filled donuts, a few chocolate chip muffins (even better if they are chocolate chocolate chip), and maybe a piece of fruit for breakfast. For lunch, I’d still be in my pajamas watching Netflix, but now I would have a Diet Coke, a couple slices of pizza and a bag of something salty. I might just munch on some chocolate after that. For dinner, I would finally shower so we could go out to eat. I’d feel numb and depressed from watching Netflix all day, so I would order something so loaded with sodium and carbs my kidneys and pancreas would scream in horror.

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Do I ever do that? No. But seriously, that is how I feel. That is what I want to do. When you start throwing ideas at me like, go to the gym, start writing that book, go through that closet, well, it is just plain overwhelming. Does that mean I don’t want to be disciplined? No. It just means, I have a mountain to climb while dragging a ball and chain the size comparable to what Ebenezer Scrooge was forging before Marley sent him on his redemptive journey.

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I honestly don’t think there are easy answers to the discipline conundrum, other than en media res - in the midst of things. When I was taking a writing class a number of years ago at the college where my spouse works, the instructor brought up this Latin phrase with regards to writing. If you don’t know where to start, just start in the middle of it all. For me, that simply means, just pick something and get started. This morning, I chose to get up and finish this blog post. Writing for today….check! A little later, I’m going to finish putting away the Christmas stuff. Cleaning for today…check! For breakfast I had a multigrain english muffin and a grapefruit. Good eating choices for today…check!

In time, perhaps, one baby step will lead to another and another and another. Disciplined life….Check!

Lessons from Loss

I’ve decided to take another week off, before getting back to my series on Godly traits. On Monday my daughter texted me that a woman from our former church had died unexpectedly. I was in shock. Mary was only a few years older than me. She had five grown children, a devoted husband and her first grandchild, a girl, whom she adored. She was dearly loved, not only by her immediate family, but by siblings and church family and friends. What really floored me, and many others, was the fact that last summer Mary had gone into the hospital with a lung infection. After months in the hospital and rehab, she seemed to get better. She got to go home and resume a somewhat normal life. Not long after life started having some semblance of normalcy, Mary lost her sister to cancer, this was just last month. Last week, Mary ended up, back in the hospital and Monday morning she died.

Sweeny family. Mary is in the middle with her husband Paul. My daughter took these pictures this past spring. Photo credit Rebecca Trumbull.

I felt myself questioning God. Why, Lord? Why? This was a beautiful woman; one of your sheep, who loved and gave and was gracious. She was a beautiful soul, inside and out. She loved her family and took others in as if they were part of the family. She exuded the peace that passes all understanding and I would often see her posting quotes from Ann VosKamp’s One Thousand Gifts on being thankful. The funny thing was, I didn’t really know Mary that well. We moved in different circles as our kids were growing up and while we went to the same church, we weren’t able to spend vast amounts of time together. However, I still feel this loss. It is as if in a galaxy full of stars, Mary’s shown so brightly, that the burning out of that star affected the whole universe.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I am not sharing this with you to look for sympathy. This was a tragic and unexpected loss, but what I wanted to do was use these musings as a branch from which to tie a rope, take a leap, swing out and fall into the river of God’s grace.

How do we deal with these things? How do we get past the shaking of the fist towards the sky, to the questioning why, to the acceptance, to the choice to believe that He is good, no matter what, to the final step of lifting our hands in praise, adoration and thanksgiving? Two words come to mind which I have used on the blog before, baby steps.

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A baby does not learn to walk immediately. It is a process. They reach, they scoot, they rock, they roll, they crawl, they grab, they pull themselves up, they move around the furniture and eventually they let go and take those first steps. Those first steps aren’t perfect, but they are full of enthusiasm. When we are new in our relationship with Christ we are full of enthusiasm. We want to tell the world what He has done, not only for us as individuals, but for the whole world. We want to share the good news that Jesus loves the unlovely, rescues the drowning, lifts up the cripple and fully redeems that which was completely lost.

Then life happens. We experience disappointment, pain, heartbreak and loss. If we are being honest with ourselves we do not like these things and many of us probably thought when we came to Christ that it was going to be smooth sailing. How very wrong we were. If anything, it seems, at least for some, that we are being shot at by the biggest guns available on a US battleship. Worse yet, we might be getting hammered by friendly fire, while well intended, completely misses the mark and wounds us instead of helping us out.

So how do we approach loss without losing our faith? How do we endure pain without giving up hope? How do we continue to walk when we are clearly wounded and would rather lay down and die?

One baby step at a time.

Baby Step 1 - Shaking fists and questions.

Image by Niek Verlaan from Pixabay

God is much bigger than we are. He created us and He knows our frame is but dust. As the Creator he manipulated that dust, breathing life into it. Don’t ever think, He doesn’t get it. He most certainly knows our weaknesses, our pit falls and our innermost feelings. You might not be literally shaking your fist at Him, but He knows what you are thinking on the inside. Sometimes it is okay to get mad, to raise our hands, not in praise, but in frustration, anger and pain. The key is to not stay there. It is okay to say:

I don’t get it.

It’s not fair.

Why? Why? Why?

I don’t like you right now?

It hurts and you let it happen.

That is exactly how I felt about Mary’s death. She was a vibrant woman and God let her die. I couldn’t help thinking, there are thousands of others, suffering with debilitating illnesses, pain and complete loss of ability to remember their own families or even how to use the bathroom. Why not take one of them? Why not relieve someone else of their burden? But He didn’t. He took Mary.

It felt wrong to have those thoughts and feelings, but they are real, visceral, but real and doesn’t God know that? He gave His own Son to suffer and die. He knows loss. He knows pain. Jesus knows loneliness and abandonment.

This is an absolutely acceptable part of grief. Whether your loss is the death of a loved one, an unfaithful partner, a divorce, a rebellious child, a parent going through Alzheimers, or the loss of a long time job, it is okay to feel anger, and it is okay to question why.

Baby Step 2 - Wear the blanket.

Image by Katrina_S from Pixabay

When my father died back in 2006, I distinctly remember walking in a fog. Life just seemed rather cloudy and my brain felt full of cotton. Often when we grieve we think that the best thing for us is to throw ourselves back into life, subduing the overwhelming sense of loss to a dull ache. In most cultures the process of grief is much more elaborate and loud.

In 1985 I spent a summer in Africa. During that time, I got to experience a true death wail. It was unnerving as a group, of mostly women, wept and wailed and cried over a baby who had tragically passed away. This was no reserved whispered ceremony. This was a loud progression of frenzied sobs and tears. They let their expression of the sadness they felt erupt into the still, dark night, like a mass of molten lava pouring out of a volcano.

While I do not expect that, here in our US of A, we are going to start doing a death wail, it is good to allow ourselves to feel grief. I truly believe wrapping yourself up in the blanket of grief every once in a while, helps you to heal faster. If putting on a real blanket helps with the symbolism, go ahead. However, you do it, take some time to feel the sadness and the pain. Cry, sob, moan and even wail. It’s okay. Then when you feel a bit of relief, put the blanket away and go live life. Eventually, you will find, you don’t need that blanket quite so often. Eventually, you will be able to put it away, all together.

Baby Step 3 - Choices.

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The best way to handle making choices during a time of grief is to choose slowly and thoughtfully. Don’t rashly give up your faith. Don’t decide to sell everything you have, join a commune and move to Tibet. Don’t start drinking. Don’t obsess on your loss. The greatest mistake we make when we are in the throes of grief is to think we are okay and we can handle this on our own. It is important to choose to take care of ourselves and to allow people to take care of us. We were not meant to be islands. We are supposed to live in community with others. In fact you might find there are others who have already been through the grief process before you. They can help, if you let them .

In addition, choose truth. Often we question whether God really loves us when someone or something has been taken away from us, but if we keep our eyes on scripture we will remember verses like:

“The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.”

— Jeremiah 31:3 (NASB)

“nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

— Romans 8:39 (NASB)

“Finally, brethren, rejoice, be made complete, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.”

— 2 Corinthians 13:11 (NASB)

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,”

— Ephesians 2:4 (NASB)

God does love us and He always will. He will always be there for us, even in the midst of trial and grief.

Baby Step 4 - Take Action

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Once we have worked through the emotions of anger, pain and sadness we can begin to, once again, take action. Action might start out with something simple like getting out of bed, taking a shower and getting dressed. Eventually, you might be able to go out and take a walk or meet a friend for coffee. Down the road, you may make it to church and then out to do something fun again. Your loved ones would not want you to stop living life. Besides it is in the choice to start living again, that God reveals His most precious and magnificent promises.

After I found out Mary was gone, I knew my sadness and shock was not as sharp as the edge on the sword her family was and is feeling right now, but I also felt that God had let me down. I prayed for Mary’s healing and He didn’t come through. That evening, my husband and I took a walk. I looked up at the expanse of night sky and heard His voice saying, “I’m still right here.”

Wow! That was just what I needed to hear. He is still right there and He always will be. He is there for us to lean on, pound on and depend on no matter what and knowing that is sometimes all we need. When I realize He is really all I need to get through, I am able to raise my hands in praise to Him and I can start remembering what I am thankful for.

My friend Mary was a Christian. She is with Jesus now. She is also with her mom and her sister who went before her. She left behind a legacy of love, and friendship for her family and her friends. The world is a more beautiful place because of her and I can be thankful that I knew her.

Getting Through the Holidays Without Losing Your Mind

Most of us are aware, the holidays can be an incredibly, busy time. As women, the bulk of the preparations for holiday gatherings fall on our shoulders. Things might be different for you, but I know for me I am the one who makes the holidays happen. I do the shopping, the decorating, the baking, the meal planning, the wrapping and the packing when we travel out of town. I am also the one to clean up after the gatherings, take down the decorations, get rid of the torn paper, ribbons and bows and unpack and do laundry when we come back into town. This is also a busier time of year at a university bookstore as we are checking in students’ rental books, getting in books for next term and making those available for students who want to buy their books early.

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You might wonder why I do it all. Why don’t I delegate some of the holiday responsibility or just not do some of the typical holiday activities? Realistically, I do it because I want to. I love Christmas. I love everything about it. However, I do understand that not everyone feels this way. In fact, contrary to Andy Williams song It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, the holidays can be the most difficult time of the year.

There are numerous factors that can make the Christmas season more of a burden, rather than a delight. Financial strain, job loss, illness, family tensions, influences from our pasts and the loss of a loved one, can all make the upcoming festivities seem more like a chaotic, commercial filled nightmare.

For those of us who call ourselves Christians, the meaning of Christmas is clear. This is the time we celebrate and remember the birth of Christ, the one we refer to as our Savior and King. Knowing this and believing in Him are key to understanding the Christ part of Christmas. However, our society celebrates Christmas without Christ. The gift giving, family gatherings and well wishes are a way of showing love and of reconnecting with those who are important to us.

I’d like to offer a few ways to get through the holidays without losing your mind, even if you don’t celebrate because of Christ. I will do another post, specifically to that next week.

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1 - Pick and Choose

You honestly do not have to do everything. Figure out which things you absolutely love about Christmas and which ones don’t matter as much. I used to send out Christmas cards. I still love receiving cards in the mail, but I have found that is one thing, at this point in my life, that I had to let go of. As much as I love this tradition, I don’t have the time to commit to this holiday task. Perhaps you could do without all the decorating; a single Christmas tree in your window is as much decor as you need. Don’t worry about lights in the windows or a Better Homes and Gardens tree in every room of the house. Love baking, but feeling stressed out? Pick out one or two favorites to make. Let’s face it, often we just plain overdo.

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2 - Set Boundaries

You don’t have to go to every holiday party you are invited to. You also don’t have to be at every family gathering. If you have family out of town this can get a little bit overwhelming. For years after we were married my spouse and I traveled back to NY and WI every Christmas. We’d do four or five days in one place, come home for two days and then go to the other place for another four or five days. My spouse being a professor and homeschooling our girls made it easy to make this sort of commitment, but it was hard! We went through bouts of stomach bugs, snowstorms and not being able to have our own Christmas traditions. It was great for our kids in that they built an amazing relationship with both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, but there did come a time when we said, we couldn’t do it any more. Now we usually go to one place for Thanksgiving and the other for New Years, that way we are home for Christmas with plenty of time in between to regroup and prepare for our own holiday celebrations.

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3 - Take Care of Yourself

At the holidays we tend to get less sleep and eat more foods that, while delicious, are not necessarily good for us. Extra calories in cookies, rich high fat meals and eating out more when shopping and party going make us feel sluggish and tired. Those types of food need to be eaten in moderation and we still need to make good choices by eating enough fruits and veggies, as well as drinking lots of water.

In addition, make sure you are getting sufficient rest, as well as exercise. I am preaching to the choir here, everyone. I struggle with getting exercise at other times of the year, but the holidays and the cold, drab weather make it even harder, but we all know that exercise is not only good for our physical health, but our mental health as well.

Investing in your hobbies or learning something new can also be good for you. Knitting, painting, playing music or doing puzzles can give your mind a much needed break from the stressors of the season.

If you have the time and resources you can also invest in your well being by scheduling a massage, a manicure or taking yourself out to do something you enjoy, like a movie or a visit to a coffee shop to read a book.

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4 - Be Grateful

No matter where you are at in life, you have things you can be thankful for. Food, clothes, heat, a bed to sleep in and a pillow to lay your head on. Things might be difficult for you this Christmas, but you can still find things to be thankful for, if you look. Every morning I am able to get out of bed and stand in a hot shower, I am thankful. During loss, and difficulty gratitude can make the difference between thriving and floundering,

These are just a few ideas of how to get through the holidays without losing your mind. I hope you find these helpful.

Do you have lots to do at this time of year? Be sure to take time to relax and enjoy the season.