A Marriage Memorial?

We don't usually think of memorials when it comes to our families, except after the fact when they have passed away. Some families spend many hours and dollars to find the perfect memorial stone to place at their loved one's grave. i actually enjoy walking through cemeteries because I like to look at the different stones that people use to commemorate their special one's life. Some of them are large and stately, made from shiny black or gray granite. Some of them are engraved with hearts or crosses, while others may have nothing but the facts. Still others, might be surrounded by colorful yarn or toys, showing the bright life that was cut off way too young.I would like to suggest that there are ways we can place memorials in our families, not after people have passed, but while people are still very much alive.

This week I would like to look at building a marriage memorial. It really is not that hard to make a memorial. It needs to be something that will cause you and your spouse to stop and think when you look at it. In a sense our wedding rings do that, at least for some of us. I no longer wear my original wedding band and engagement ring because the diamond fell out of it. I still have the diamond and the set in a plastic bag, waiting to be reunited, but in the mean time, the hubby bought me a diamond wedding band to wear in its place. My husband doesn't wear a ring. He does too many things with his hands and he is afraid he will lose it. That used to bother me, but I don't worry about it any more. 

I think it would be neat to pick something out that you and your husband agree on. Again, let me preface this by saying, I know not everyone has a cooperative husband. Some men are not sentimental and some men are just not into this sort of thing. But for those that are, here are a few suggestions:

1. Something to hang. Pick out a piece of artwork; a clock with the hands pointing to the time you said "I do,"; a photograph either of the two of you or of a place you went on your honeymoon, or some other place you went together; a framed verse or saying having to do with marriage, loyalty, love or friendship; or something showing your love together and your love for God. 

For example, if my husband and I picked out a painting we might agree on a painting of a tall ship weathering a raging storm. My spouse being of Viking descent would love the idea of a boat on a stormy sea and I love the idea of our marriage having weathered many storms. When I would look at that, it would remind me that we are in this vast ocean called marriage together and we can weather the raging sea. My husband would probably look at it and think, "Wow! That would be really cool!" Ha, ha.

2. Create a shadow box. I know ladies, I am moving outside a man's comfort zone, but that's okay. If this project at least reminds you of why you married the big lug in the first place and keeps you focused on praying for your spouse and working on your marriage, it will still be a memorial. I think a shadow box would be fun. You could put things in it from your wedding day, maybe a few of the flowers, or the knife you cut the cake with, be creative. You could also fill it with things that have become important to you along the way. Maybe you like to travel together and collect items from the places you've been. These would be perfect in your shadow box. If you don't have a shadow box, then just set aside a small shelf on a book case in your bedroom. But make it visible so you both can see and remember.

3. Put together a scrap book. Include things like photographs from your honeymoon, ticket stubs to movies you both enjoyed, sporting events or theatrical shows that you went to as a couple. Not everything has to be a "good" experience. Some of our greatest learning moments and memories were made when we were yelling at each other. You know the scenario...you have tickets to see Phantom of the Opera. You take longer than planned getting ready and he takes the wrong turn off to the venue and won't ask for directions! You could also include airline tickets and maps to some of the places you have discovered together. Be sure to leave some of the pages blank at the back of the book, as you will hopefully want to add more over the coming years.

4. Plan a memorial date. Pick a day of the year and go somewhere to commemorate your relationship as a couple. I know, I know. Most of you are thinking that's what an anniversary is. That's all well and good and if you can make it happen on your anniversary then by all means do! But most anniversaries keep marching through the weekdays and it is not always possible to get time off of work, or reschedule the family get togethers and so on. Real life happens. This should be a day that you will have every year. Maybe you choose the 3rd Saturday of October. Whether you go away for the whole weekend or just spend the whole day together, make it a day of reminiscing and rejoicing; purposefulness and prayer. Dwell on your marriage and what needs work and what to be thankful for.

These are just a few idea for setting up a marriage memorial. You might decide you want to take a day or a week each month or focus on your relationship. Placing a centerpiece in the middle of the dining table that has significance to your marriage would be an easy way to bring it to your attention more frequently. If you have some other suggestions leave me a comment below or on Facebook.

Marital Bliss?

Most of the time when I think of the word "bliss" I think happiness. Webster adds the idea of a state of well being or contentment. How many of you would say you have marital bliss?

I hope you all are responding in the affirmative. Ha, ha. I'm sure there are some of you who are happily married, but the majority of us struggle. As I've said before, anything worth doing is often difficult. I know marriage can get hard. It can be an all out war. Not that you and your spouse are fighting all the time, but that you are constantly fighting within your self to do the right thing, say the right thing, be gentle, show kindness, meet their needs and so on. Just like our faith, marriage can benefit from a few tools to help it grow. Let me preface this by saying, I know not everyone is in a cooperative marriage. You may have an abusive spouse or a spouse who does not share your faith, or perhaps your spouse has issues with pornography or some other addiction. If your spouse does not want to grow in the relationship with you, you can still benefit from these tools in that you will grow. Your own growth will make a difference in your marriage. However, if you are in a dangerous situation please contact someone who can help you. All the growth in the world will not fix a person if they do not want to be fixed.

1. Partnering in faith. Sharing a common faith is a key component in bringing intimacy to a marriage. Being in agreement on things like politics, social issues and what sort of belief system you have, will go a long way in making a marriage stronger. But you can't just share common ideals, you need to do something about it. Go to church together. Read the Bible and pray together. Go to a couples Bible study. Do volunteering together. This has a ripple affect. Not only do you grow closer to one another because you are spending time together doing something you both want to do, but if you have children, they will see the benefit these things have on your relationship and in the church and community.

2. Read books together. You can read any books together. Once again, the act of being together, reading and talking about what you read can be a catalyst for growth. My husband and I have read numerous marriage books together. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr. was one of the first books we read together. Every book offers some good information that will help you understand your spouse better. Here are some other good titles: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray, Sacred Sex by Tim Alan Gardner, For Women Only and For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn ( I linked this to a set that sells both books and a DVD, but you can buy each book separately) and Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge. Every single one of these books has information to help a couple process their differences and work through those areas of miscommunication. My husband, Mark, the philosopher really liked His Needs, Her Needs and the two books by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. These books presented the topic of marriage in a very straight forward, list type way. My personal picks were Sacred Sex and Love and War. Both of these presented the information from a Biblical perspective. That does not make me a better person than my spouse. We just process information differently and see the world through different colored glasses. And that is okay. If you can read any of these together you'll be further ahead than if you hadn't read anything at all. And if your spouse doesn't want to read, by all means read them yourself. They will give you valuable insight into the male species and what he is thinking within the marriage. BUT read it with an open heart. Not with a pen and paper in hand to make a list of all the things your spouse is not doing right. If you are the only one interested in growth, then let God grow YOU!

3. Get away. This cannot be stressed enough. Getting away, is tantamount to growth in your marriage. If you are limited on time and resources go on a date. My husband and I have a date night every week. Actually, now that our girls are on their own, we have as many date nights as we want, but we still set Wednesday evening aside to go out to dinner and then we usually end up at a Barnes and Noble, because we both love books. Find a babysitter if you do not have family in town. Your church is a good place to look for teenagers who are willing to watch your kids for a few dollars. If you are able to, get away every 6 months for a weekend. Go to a hotel, a state park lodge or camp ground. If you can't do that, send the kids to your parents or in-laws and stay home all weekend. Light candles, play music, get movies and just relax and enjoy one another. Another good place to go is to a marriage conference. My spouse and I have never gone to a conference. We both love to camp and hike, so we usually design our own weekends away. However, there are many different types of marriage retreats and conferences. Just Google "marriage conference" or "marriage retreat" and different options will come up. Or check with your church. They may already have something in place.

4. Counseling. Finally, I want to talk about counseling. I am a firm believer in getting good Godly counsel. Don't expect that your spouse will be excited about this, at least not right away. It is much harder for a man to bare their soul to a perfect stranger than for a woman....at least that's how I feel. However, if you feel you need help, get it. Do it for yourself and for the benefit of your marriage. A counselor can help you see yourself and your spouse differently. It is preferable that a couple do this together, that way you can both talk and express your feelings with a mediator present. Part of a counselor's job is to get you talking and to keep you on track. We all know how we can get sidetracked when we are trying to talk to each other about our marriages. Something comes up about the past, shots are being fired, someone ends up angry and the other is crying! Sound familiar? Counseling is not a bad thing and can be a great help for your relationship.

Lastly, I would like to add a personal note. My husband and I love each other and when we married we made a commitment. It has not been easy. We are both strong personalities with our own way of looking at the world. Time has tempered us, but if I had to do it over again, I would have started reading earlier. I would have gone to counseling sooner. Don't wait until you have gotten so set in your ways that changing will be like pulling an elephant through the eye of a needle. Start early and be teachable. Humility is a huge factor in having a thriving, growing marriage. 

“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.”

— James 4:10 (NASB)

“Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love,”

— Ephesians 4:1-2 (NASB)

Are there Mushrooms in your Marriage?

The title of this post is a little deceptive. It almost makes mushrooms sound bad. I love mushrooms on pizza. Last night my hubby and I grilled steaks and had mushrooms and peppers on the side. It was delicious. The only reason I chose that title was because of the picture my daughter took of these pretty orange hued shrooms. But as I was taking a shower this morning it occurred to me that maybe there is an analogy there. Mushrooms sort of pop up where you aren't looking for them. It's the same way with things that slow growth in our marriages. You aren't looking for them and then all of the sudden, WHAM! There they are, sitting pretty in the dark places of our hearts.

Men and women are very different, as if you couldn't tell. I always find it interesting, the reality, that opposites attract. Obviously our inner workings are different; physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. But God did not intend that those differences cause division and strife. He meant them for good. My husband and I enjoy many activities together. We like the outdoors so pastimes such as camping, hiking, kayaking and fishing are things we can do together. While I am content to enjoy the scenery, my spouse wants to experience it. He would love white water rafting. I would be terrified! He would love to cross the ocean in a sail boat. I am a land lubber. At times our differences become a source of frustration and irritation. It is during these times that we have to make a concerted effort to love one another and tend the garden of our marriage with kindness and gentleness. That choice is rarely easy for this French-German girl and my Danish-Welsh hubby. In this post I would like to look at several areas that inhibit growth in our marriages.

1. Unconfessed sins and hurts. As I mentioned in my faith post on Monday, unconfessed sin keeps us from becoming the people God wants us to be. In a marriage, our own sin and the effects of it are like a tangled mess of vines. For instance, selfishness is a sin we all struggle with. We live in a society that places "self" at the peak of existence. When we struggle to meet our own needs and assert our "rights" in a marriage the result can be painful. If we look at I Corinthians 13 we quickly see that "self" has no place in love. My spouse and I have been married almost 29 years and we are only beginning to really understand love. You see when I selfishly demand my way, it hurts my spouse. Then his hurt becomes a wound which leads to a pulling away from each other, which leads to mistrust. The tangled vines become large stiff cords that are hard to separate. My sin, his hurt, but we are still one flesh. When I sin, I need to confess. If he is hurt, he needs to communicate to me clearly how I have hurt him and I need to be willing to listen. 

2. Criticism and anger. I am giving this a heading of its own. While criticism and anger would clearly fall into the sin and hurt category, I believe this is a huge problem in many marriages. My spouse is a philosopher. He teaches philosophy at a local university. Logic falls under the heading of philosophy. Many men are logical thinkers. I am not saying women aren't, but I am not. It's not that I can't think logically, it's that there are way too many things going on in my brain to worry about arranging it all into neat and orderly little boxes or patterns. When we first got married, Mark would criticize many things that I did, not because he didn't love me, but because he saw a much more logical way of doing particular activities. I took his criticism to heart and felt that he didn't love me. Instead of talking to him about this I just let it simmer until KABLAM! I would lose my temper and spew all sorts of not very nice things. Whether it be men criticizing their wives or wives their husbands, there is no place for criticism in a marriage. Just as there is no place for anger. Anger might make you feel better temporarily, but it will not help the marriage grow.

3. Only pursuing our own interests. Have you ever heard this out of a married couple, "We no longer have anything in common"? I always wonder why a couple marries if they have nothing in common. I realize there are all sorts of reasons people marry and I am not here to judge why, but what I do see happen in many marriages is a pulling away from each other due to busyness and a loss of compatibility. My husband loves all the outdoors sports like fishing, hunting and more recently metal detecting. I love to read, watch movies and shop. I find that when we are busy with work, social engagements, dealing with adult children, aging parents and so on, we can easily become distanced from each other. Couples need to find activities they can do together to stay connected. You don't always have to be together, but you do need to remember who you are married to and why you married them.

4. Not leaving and cleaving. In Genesis 2:18-25 we read the story of God creating woman. His reason for doing this was to give man someone to take the place of his mother. Ha, ha. God made woman as a companion for man. Someone he could love, care for and hang out with. Often times married couples have a hard time separating themselves from their families. Mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents and so on. Family is important, but what is more important is that you make your own home, your own family, your own relationship. You are married to your wife, not your wife and your mother. You are married to your husband, not your husband and your father. Sure there are characteristics in our spouses that may mirror our parents. I used to tell my husband, "I'm not going to replace your mother." Now we laugh about it, because she and I are similar in many ways! I love my in-laws dearly and they have never been interfering in any way. Only loving and helpful! 

The leaving and cleaving idea can also apply to our children. Let's face it moms and grandmas, we often prioritize our kids and grandkids. Our husbands get left behind, wondering what happened to the woman they married. Where did she go? Oh yeah, she's over at the daughter's house again, watching the grandkids.

These are just a few areas that I feel inhibit growth in a marriage. Next week we will look at tools for growing and keeping the love light burning. Leave me a comment below and let me know what hindrances you see to relationships in our society today. Have a great week and try to grow sunflowers instead of mushrooms!

Are You Locked In?

The Year from Hell, that is how my husband and I refer to our first year of marriage! My first attempt at the birth control pill made me a hot mess! Mark, my hubby, could have dealt with the "hot" part, but the "mess", not so much. The girl he dated and grew to love turned out to be less than perfect. He grew up in a home blessed with emotional stability and when his wife turned into a crying, screaming, raving, lunatic I am sure he wondered what he had gotten himself into. Poor guy! But he has stuck with me all these years and while we have not always made growth in our marriage a priority, sometimes I think God blesses a marriage just because you have the guts to hang in there!

Many marriages, my own included, are guilty of getting locked into a pattern. Usually the pattern looks like two wheel tracks through the mud. In other words, a rut.  This week I would like to look at a few areas that need attention in a relationship between two people. Perhaps one of the most widely discussed areas is that of communication. Many young couples have no clue how to actually relate to each other. Sure they find each other attractive, they make a commitment to one another, but all of a sudden when they wake up next to each other they realize, "What do I really know about my spouse?" Their lives become filled with more questions than answers. 

"What do I do when she's crying?"

"Why is he giving me the silent treatment?"

"Why does she bang those pots and pans? Is it me?"

"Why does he look at other women? Am I not enough?"

So many questions. The best place to find answers is one another. Take time to talk to each other. Men, your wives do not intentionally bang pots and pans (well, maybe sometimes). They are not pillows, they are pans. Crying is not always your fault, in fact, rarely. Trust me on this! Women, when he's silent he's processing. The way to help him process is tell him in real words how you feel and why you are upset. And yes, they do naturally look at an attractive woman. It takes effort and self control for a man's eyes not to follow a beautiful girl.

Learning to hear (active listening) and understand takes patience, time and practice. Actually becoming "relatable" takes even more patience, time and practice. Does your husband love football? Watch a game with him. Don't ask him to take out the garbage or go to the store for you during a game. Understand that this is important to him and make it important to you as well. Try to "get" him. Walking a mile in someone else's shoes goes a long way to diffusing volatile situations and learning patience with another person.

Another area that needs growth in a marriage is the area of romance and intimacy. This is an area that will blossom when tended with care and gentleness. With time, patience, understanding, clear communication and the soil of mutual trust, intimacy can flourish. Being demanding, critical, impatient and comparative will not breed a healthy romance. Your husband will not suddenly look like Chris Hemsworth (Thor), nor will you start dressing like Wonder Woman to go to the grocery store. Marriage is made up of two real people. Why should we demand more out of the person we are married to than we demand out of ourselves?

In addition to communication and romance, a marriage needs to grow in the area of leisure. Find things to do together. Maybe you don't both love football, or shopping, but you both do love to take walks outdoors or go camping. Perhaps he likes to metal detect and you like to read. Go to a park where he can put on his gear and search for treasure and you can sit under a shady tree and get lost in a great book. It doesn't have to be the same activity that you do, but that you are in the same place, enjoying each other's presence. After you've done your activities, go out for coffee or dinner, for your more intimate twosome. 

Mark and I have found in our own marriage that laughter and prayer are two very important components in not getting locked into a pattern of bitterness and selfishness. Laughing with each other and at each other releases tension and gives you a platform from which to talk about hard problems. We love to get on Youtube and watch comedians such as Tim Hawkins. And though we don't pray consistently together, when life is overwhelming we usually pray before we go to bed. 

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

— I Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NASB)

There are so many areas that can be tweaked and improved. Areas such as spirituality, finances, employment and children also take time and effort and need to be visited regularly in order for growth to take place. The key is to keep growing. Don't get locked into the bad habit of neglecting the marriage. Keep learning things about each other and keep taking an interest in one another. Learn to live and love life, together.

The Soil of "I Do," or the Weeds of "I Don't"?

We've all done it. Allowed ourselves to become complacent. We get comfortable in our ruts and we stay there. Just as growth is essential in our Christian faith, it is just as important in our marriages. Unfortunately, marriage seems to be one of those areas that get tossed onto a pile of "things I need to do later." You know the pile. It includes things like, call my mom, do the taxes, start that diet, cut up the credit card and work on my marriage.

All relationships need to be nourished. Those that aren't usually fall by the wayside. National statistics are telling in that many marriages are ending in divorce. Marriage is a garden that needs care and attention. Without it, the seeds originally sewn in the soil of "I do", end up overrun by the weeds of "I don't" or "I won't".

Growth needs to happen for the strength of the marriage. A building is only as strong as the foundation it is built upon. A brick or stone structure is usually less influenced by the elements than a wood or mud and straw structure. You may have began your marriage on a foundation of Christian bricks, but if you continue to build with bricks of neglect and manipulation, the walls will grow steadily weaker.

Another reason growth is essential to our marriages has to do with romance. I love romantic movies, but I am aware that movies only show a small aspect of a loving and committed relationship. Romance takes work and requires growth. Men, don't assume that because you brought your wife flowers once, that every time you bring them she will swoon. Us women are fickle and all about change. Women, don't assume that because you have gained weight and have more wrinkles, that your husband no longer needs to see you in a sexy nighty. He still does and he still wants to. Romance is all about mixing it up and growing.

Our marriages also need to be growing and vital for the sake of our faith. A solid, committed marriage can be a force for the gospel in our families and in our communities. When kids see Mom and Dad still together and still working it out, it can be a testimony to them of what is possible for their own lives as adults. I speak here, from hindsight. I wish I would have been more aware of just how much our girls were watching us as they grew up. Perhaps, my husband and I would have tried a little harder to work with each other, rather than against each other.

This testimony can broaden out into the community as well. I recently gifted a young couple, who are friends with my younger daughter, free babysitting once a month for their three children. I wanted this Christian couple to not only have a date night, but also the opportunity to see an older married couple willing to help and serve, thus giving them a chance to strengthen their own marriage through time alone.

Hanging out with Sherlock Holmes, London 2012

Start thinking about ways you can help your marriage grow. Are you in a rut? Do you go to the same places every week on your date night? Do you even have a date night? When was the last time you cuddled on the couch while watching a movie? Or gone to a movie at the theater? When you go out to eat, do you go to a loud noisy restaurant where you can't hear yourself think let along hear your spouse talk? How much time do you actually listen to your spouse when they are talking and are you actively listening? I know as a woman we are often guilty of "listening" while we are doing the dishes or making dinner. In one ear and out the other. Do you go to church together? Do you pray together? All of these things and more can contribute to the growth or stagnation of your marriage. 

Marriage is hard. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes perseverance...but so does anything that is worth while.

Come back next week for another look at areas in our marriage that can benefit from growth.