A Marriage Memorial?

We don't usually think of memorials when it comes to our families, except after the fact when they have passed away. Some families spend many hours and dollars to find the perfect memorial stone to place at their loved one's grave. i actually enjoy walking through cemeteries because I like to look at the different stones that people use to commemorate their special one's life. Some of them are large and stately, made from shiny black or gray granite. Some of them are engraved with hearts or crosses, while others may have nothing but the facts. Still others, might be surrounded by colorful yarn or toys, showing the bright life that was cut off way too young.I would like to suggest that there are ways we can place memorials in our families, not after people have passed, but while people are still very much alive.

This week I would like to look at building a marriage memorial. It really is not that hard to make a memorial. It needs to be something that will cause you and your spouse to stop and think when you look at it. In a sense our wedding rings do that, at least for some of us. I no longer wear my original wedding band and engagement ring because the diamond fell out of it. I still have the diamond and the set in a plastic bag, waiting to be reunited, but in the mean time, the hubby bought me a diamond wedding band to wear in its place. My husband doesn't wear a ring. He does too many things with his hands and he is afraid he will lose it. That used to bother me, but I don't worry about it any more. 

I think it would be neat to pick something out that you and your husband agree on. Again, let me preface this by saying, I know not everyone has a cooperative husband. Some men are not sentimental and some men are just not into this sort of thing. But for those that are, here are a few suggestions:

1. Something to hang. Pick out a piece of artwork; a clock with the hands pointing to the time you said "I do,"; a photograph either of the two of you or of a place you went on your honeymoon, or some other place you went together; a framed verse or saying having to do with marriage, loyalty, love or friendship; or something showing your love together and your love for God. 

For example, if my husband and I picked out a painting we might agree on a painting of a tall ship weathering a raging storm. My spouse being of Viking descent would love the idea of a boat on a stormy sea and I love the idea of our marriage having weathered many storms. When I would look at that, it would remind me that we are in this vast ocean called marriage together and we can weather the raging sea. My husband would probably look at it and think, "Wow! That would be really cool!" Ha, ha.

2. Create a shadow box. I know ladies, I am moving outside a man's comfort zone, but that's okay. If this project at least reminds you of why you married the big lug in the first place and keeps you focused on praying for your spouse and working on your marriage, it will still be a memorial. I think a shadow box would be fun. You could put things in it from your wedding day, maybe a few of the flowers, or the knife you cut the cake with, be creative. You could also fill it with things that have become important to you along the way. Maybe you like to travel together and collect items from the places you've been. These would be perfect in your shadow box. If you don't have a shadow box, then just set aside a small shelf on a book case in your bedroom. But make it visible so you both can see and remember.

3. Put together a scrap book. Include things like photographs from your honeymoon, ticket stubs to movies you both enjoyed, sporting events or theatrical shows that you went to as a couple. Not everything has to be a "good" experience. Some of our greatest learning moments and memories were made when we were yelling at each other. You know the scenario...you have tickets to see Phantom of the Opera. You take longer than planned getting ready and he takes the wrong turn off to the venue and won't ask for directions! You could also include airline tickets and maps to some of the places you have discovered together. Be sure to leave some of the pages blank at the back of the book, as you will hopefully want to add more over the coming years.

4. Plan a memorial date. Pick a day of the year and go somewhere to commemorate your relationship as a couple. I know, I know. Most of you are thinking that's what an anniversary is. That's all well and good and if you can make it happen on your anniversary then by all means do! But most anniversaries keep marching through the weekdays and it is not always possible to get time off of work, or reschedule the family get togethers and so on. Real life happens. This should be a day that you will have every year. Maybe you choose the 3rd Saturday of October. Whether you go away for the whole weekend or just spend the whole day together, make it a day of reminiscing and rejoicing; purposefulness and prayer. Dwell on your marriage and what needs work and what to be thankful for.

These are just a few idea for setting up a marriage memorial. You might decide you want to take a day or a week each month or focus on your relationship. Placing a centerpiece in the middle of the dining table that has significance to your marriage would be an easy way to bring it to your attention more frequently. If you have some other suggestions leave me a comment below or on Facebook.

What Does Renewal Look Like in our Families?

The word renewal means to make new again. In nature, the earth makes itself new again after a winter sleep, by plants beginning to bud, birds traveling back to their summer nesting grounds and critters beginning to have eyes for each other. In the retail world renewal takes on the form of seasonal displays ranging from Easter pastels, to end caps filled with seeds, potting soil and gardening tools. But how, exactly can we do renewal within our families? And is it even necessary?

As a mother of adult daughters, I often find myself wishing I could have a do-over as a parent. I was an impatient mom and often disciplined out of anger. But I cannot turn the clock back and I wouldn't trade the things I now know and understand. I believe I am a better parent now, having gone through difficulties as a young mom. So how do I experience renewal as a mother; as a wife and as a grandmother. How can I bring new life to my relationships?

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold new things have come.”

— 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

For me, I must go back to my faith. According to the verse above, if I am in Christ, I am a new creature. If I am a new creature, then the old things have passed away and new things have come. That would seem to translate that all those bad habits, sins and poor choices of my past have passed away. While I know that I am forgiven, I also am realistic enough to know I haven't arrived yet. I still mess up. But I am also thoroughly convince that Christ is all about new beginnings.

In my relationship with my family, I have found renewal looks much different than what I thought. For my oldest daughter, this blog and our working together to make it happen has been a way to bring new life to our adult relationship. For my other daughter, it has been a learning curve. She got pregnant at 18 and that was not what my husband and I thought her future would look like. I feel only recently, renewal starting to happen in our relationship as I learn to accept her where she is at, and as she and I enjoy her son, my wonderful Grandson! With my husband, I find that renewal happens as we accept our differences, agree to disagree and find things we both enjoy. Sometimes, just doing a simple thing like finding a different restaurant to go to for dinner, or going to a park for a walk instead of around the same block again, can breathe new life into our relationship.

Intentionality is very important in the renewal process. Do some planning! I am always planning with my oldest daughter Rebecca. We plan work dates, early morning walks and texting sessions, partly to work on the blog, but partly to just spend time together and keep our relationship fresh. With my other girl Rachel, my planning is more flexible. She is often more tuned into a quick, unplanned run to a store we both like, or meeting for lunch while Quintin is in school or with his dad. My husband and I have a regular date night, but I find it more fun when he plans something I know nothing about. Don't just have good intentions. Follow through on them. 

It is so easy to get into a habit and then the habit becomes a rut! Break out of that rut and refresh the relationships in your family. Start a game night with your kids. Make one supper a week a make your own pizza party. Plan a date with your hubby, but don't tell him where you are going or what you are doing. Let it be a surprise.

Perhaps, even more important is to renew yourself. You are an actual woman. You are busy, active, pulled in many directions. Do you need a manicure or a pedicure? How about a massage? If money is tight, take yourself for a walk, or ask a friend to watch your kids so you can go to a bookstore and read. Do little things for yourself that will make you feel renewed. You will be much better equipped to bring renewal into your family if you feel refreshed and in tune.

Celebrating Together

Though Easter was brought about through sacrifice, pain and death, we do not dwell on those things. We remember Jesus' act of love and as Christian parents we try to teach our children about the meaning of sacrifice, but what we celebrate is the resulting beauty of the resurrection. We emphasize the risen Lord, not the one who was in the grave. We happily look forward, not only to eternity spent with Him, but to the advent of Spring in the calendar year. How you celebrate is probably a combination of traditions you were brought up with and your own new ideas.

When I was growing up, we always wore our best clothes on Easter Sunday. My mother, being a seamstress of sorts, often made matching dresses for her and I, while my two older brothers and my father wore suits and ties. At some point during the day, jelly beans were hidden around the house and we were each given a cup. Our job was to find as many jelly beans as we could. My bothers would, more often, return with cups much fuller than mine, but I didn't mind. I think I enjoyed the ham dinner and the desert afterwords more than the jelly beans. We were also given Easter baskets with various candy and chocolate Easter bunnies.

When I became a parent, I thought it would be fun to take the jelly bean hunt to a whole new level and have a treasure hunt. After all, I wasn't a big fan of jelly beans. Several months before Easter I would begin shopping for little toys, candies or other items my girls might like. I would wrap them in tissue paper, gift bags or gift wrap and proceed to hide them all over the house and yard (if the weather allowed). I would make clues which Rebecca and Rachel would have to follow. Sometimes, one clue only led to another clue. But eventually a clue would lead to a gift. This hunt was such a hit that now, Rachel wants me to plan a hunt for her son Quintin. Oh, just twist my arm! 

There are so many wonderful things families can do together outside of the actual church services. These days many churches host egg hunts and other fun activities making the celebration last from Palm Sunday through Easter Sunday. Here are a few suggestions for making Easter, not just about gifts and candy, but about Jesus.

1. Get "resurrection eggs" and use these to tell the story of Easter.

2. Plan a jelly bean hunt, or a treasure hunt and every time something is found, read a portion of the Easter story from the Bible.

3. Color eggs. While you're doing this fun activity with your kids or grandkids listen to Christian music, or talk about how an egg symbolizes the Triune God, and new life.

4. Plan a nature hike. In the midwest we don't know what the weather will be like, but as long as it is not raining, go to a nearby park or out in your back yard and talk to the kids about God's creation.

5. With your older kids you could watch a classic old movie such as Ben-Hur,  The Greatest Story Ever Told, or The Passion of the Christ (this is very graphic and should only be shown at your discretion). Talk with your children about the movie, ask questions about the portrayals in the movies and how it compares to scripture. Ben-Hur is a fictional account based on the novel by Lew Wallace.

6. Have your kids help prepare the Easter meal. Have them be involved in setting the table, getting out decorations and tossing the salad.

7. When your family is sitting down to eat spend a few moments letting people pray or express things they are grateful for. Gratitude doesn't just have to be for Thanksgiving.

In the comments section below share some of your Easter family traditions and ideas.

God bless you as you celebrate the glory of our Risen Lord.

A Suffering More Dark

No one wants to suffer. I mean how many of us would sign up for a root canal? Or how about six months of chemo? Maybe you would prefer the death of a loved one or the loss of a job. We all know individuals who are suffering. Right now I know people who are living with illness, cancer, loss of income, divorce, death of a child, emergency surgery, stroke, death of a parent, loss of a friend to suicide...the list goes on. Many of you are acquainted with that awkward feeling you get when a friend tells you the difficulties, they or someone else are going through and you wonder, "What can I do?"

That awkward feeling is replaced by a descent into a dark place when the suffering comes from within your own family. How hard is it for a mother to bury her baby, or her adult child? I have heard it said, "A parent should never outlive their child," but it happens. More often than we would like. What pain does a spouse endure as they watch their beloved sinking into death over a period of weeks, months or years? 

i have found in my own experience that some suffering has closure. Death is final. There is no undoing what has been done. It is over. Somehow, that seems easier, especially when you know the loved one is now with Jesus. When, I say, easier, I am not trying to belittle the pain of those who have lost someone. My father passed away in 2006. He spent the last few years of his life delving into the void of dementia. When my brother called me on January 14th at 6 AM, I knew he was gone. I numbly packed my suitcase and kissed my husband and daughters goodbye so I could go be with my mom and help her plan the funeral. We knew it was coming, but death still has a way of leaving its mark. For more than a year, I would feel waves of mind numbing fog. I had truly lost a part of myself.

However, my dad loved Jesus. I know, right now, without a doubt, where he is. I have closure. My dad is worshipping at the feet of Christ and dementia no longer has a hold on him. I still have moments when I allow myself to wrap that cloak of grief around me and remember what I lost, but then I can fold it up and put it away.

No, the suffering, I have found to be much more persistent, much more dank than death is the suffering of hopelessness. Oh, don't get me wrong, I know as sure as God is God that there is always hope, but as a mom, it doesn't get any harder than when your child suffers. The suffering may come in the form of an illness or injury; it might be the dying of a dream for your son or daughter or it may be they have chosen to walk away from the things that you hold to be true and dear. The darker depths are painted with the startling strokes of childhood sexual assault, exposure to addictive drugs, eating disorders, alcohol abuse and many other spiritual, physical and psychological difficulties. Splatter in unplanned pregnancies and alcohol related deaths and a mother's heart becomes worn and she realizes, "I am powerless!"

Yes! I....am....powerless! I am worn.

But! God....is....not!

He is the God that can heal! (Psalm 103:2-3) He is the God that can carry the broken hearted. (Psalm 147:3) He is the God that will have vengeance! (Romans 12:19) He is the God that will bind the wounds. He is the God who does not sleep. (Psalm 121:4) Only He can reach into the past, bring light to the darkness and heal the ragged, gaping injury that was done! He alone is God, there is no other.

How to Get out of a Sticky Wicket

Many of you have heard the term, "sticky wicket". See the origin of this term here. I love to say the term with a bit of an English accent and usually say it when referring to a difficult situation. Family dynamics are often a quandary. You feel, as a parent, the need to be in charge and admitting when you mess up proves that you aren't. It becomes a bit of a sticky wicket.

This week on my blog I have been talking about confession. Confession within our families is a hard task. It involves humility and selflessness. But not confessing when we have hurt, maimed and mutilated allows the enemy to create walls and distance between us and those we love most.

When I was a young mom I was incredibly impatient with our two daughters and my husband. I would lose my temper, yell and throw things. Over the years God began to deal with me. He revealed through church, friends and His word how to manage discipline and life without anger. I started apologizing to my kids and my spouse when I would blow up, admitting to them it was wrong and that I was sorry.

Confession does not always mean an automatic change in behavior. Often, God allows difficulty to enter our lives to temper us. I know He did in mine. While suffering can cause us to be bitter, we need to choose to whom we are loyal. Bitterness will not make my relationship with God better, nor with my family. I must be pliable clay in the Potter's hands. 

“The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: ‘Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will let you hear my words.’ So I went down to the potter’s house and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.”

— Jeremiah 18:1-4

Today, think about your family. Is there someone you need to confess to? Someone who deserves an apology? Did you snip at your husband this morning? Did you yell at your daughter to clean her room? Did you discipline your five year old out of anger and impatience? Go to them and confess. Restore their faith in you and in God. It's worth it to get out of the "sticky wicket."

Am I at the Opera?

I came from a family that was relatively quiet. I have two older brothers. Jeff is ten years my senior and Kevin is 4 years older than me. Yes, I was the baby and I was a girl. Imagine my brothers' chagrin when they realized something alien came into the house on that day my parents brought me home from the hospital. Jeff was enough older that he didn't pay me much mind, but Kevin, he just wasn't too sure about this crying mess. 

As we grew up in a conservative Christian home, we ate meals together. I have fond memories of sitting around our kitchen table eating. However, I do remember it being very quiet. Maybe it was because I was a girl or maybe it was due to our age differences, but there was hardly any conversation. Just reaching for what we wanted, or a quiet, "Can you pass the butter?" I don't remember talking about school or other family or....well, anything.

But somehow we survived and we all made it to adulthood. I met my husband, Mark in college (and that is another story). The first time I was invited to his home for a meal, I was ill prepared for the event. I did not realize I was going to the opera. When we sat down to eat the delicious meal his mother had prepared I was expecting a meal, much like those at my house....quiet, with little conversation. After we said grace, there was some chit chat as we passed around the food. Slowly there was a rise in the volume and speed of the conversation. I was trying to keep up with the questions being asked of me and the other conversations that were going on at the table. Mind you this is not a huge family. Mark has one married sister, that's it. But all of a sudden I found myself unable to keep up with the voices, all talking at the same time, all trying to be heard. 

In opera the term is called imbroglio. It is usually a culminating piece where a number of characters are singing at the same time in a very emotional or fast paced way. So my first encounter with my husband's family was imbroglio. While it was a bit overwhelming, I was rather fascinated by it all. Over the years, I have learned to put my ten cents in (inflation you know) and I am able to take all the conversations in. And the family has grown. Two nephews, our own daughters and now additional in-laws and grandchildren.

Through it all I have come to appreciate family. Large or small, noisy or quiet, imbroglio or solo, it's all good. I am very thankful for the family God gave me, both by blood and marriage. I hope you are able to be thankful for yours as well.

Wait a Minute! This is Not What I Signed Up For!

If you would have told me when I first got pregnant the path I would be walking today, I may have run away screaming. I looked at motherhood, both as exciting and terrifying. Midnight feedings, colic, terrible twos, followed by temperamental threes, potty training...that was a cake walk. Parenting adults, not so much.

When our children are small, we have some amount of control. We can control their environment, when they eat, who they play with, where they go and so on. As they get older we begin to expand the boundaries. They go off to school, or in my case we homeschooled, and we begin to allow them more freedom. They go to their friends' homes, with our knowledge of the family they are hanging around with. We try to help them make good choices, take them to church, limit their choices of music and movies, while still allowing them to broaden their understanding of the world. 

Of course, then puberty hits and all chaos breaks loose. We find ourselves reeling from the increasing lack of control we have. Their social circles broaden and suddenly we are left out. We don't know who all of their friends are and we don't always know where they are. We blink our eyes and they are graduating from high school and off to college. Wait a minute! What just happened? Could we go back to when they were small? There are some things I would like to do over.

You might be asking yourself some of the same questions I have asked, "How did we get here? Where did I mess up? When did I go from 'Mommy' to 'chopped liver'? I understand. I have two adult daughters. They have both gone through difficulties, some by their own choosing and some heaped upon them by others. As mothers we hurt...gosh I have hurt...when my daughter's fiancee asked for the ring back; when my other daughter told us she was pregnant...and there is more, so much pain. And perhaps the hardest part as a mom is not being able to do anything; not take the pain away, not heal the hurt, not change the past. I have no control. I am powerless. Or at least, that is how it feels at times.

The truth, dear ones, is that you, as a mom, have the greatest power in the universe....the capacity to love. God gave women this very special ability to love. So even though your relationship with your children changes and you can't keep them from making bad choices or having harmful things happen to them, you can still love them. Day in, day out. And for some, that and prayer are the best chance your child has.

So each day I make a conscious choice to try to mirror Jesus. To love as He would love, give help when it is needed and withhold words when they are not wanted (sometimes the hardest thing to do). I love my adult children just as much as when I first saw their little faces, it is just different and that is okay.

Rachel and Rebecca ready for Halloween 2012.

Grand-parenting or Co-parenting?

When did grand-parenting become co-parenting? When did we go from grand to co?  I mean co isn't even an entire word...It doesn't matter, really. When my grandson calls me by the name he chose, he calls me Grandma, not Coma!  There are times, though, at days' end, after co-parenting, I feel like I am in a coma.

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

Back in the day, grandparents visited.  Today, many of us co-parent with our adult children, watching their children, for many reasons ranging from single parenthood and financial hardship to being the only trustworthy choice for daycare.

My grandson, like many boys at age 4 and 5, loves to go to play lands or playgrounds, weather permitting.  Sitting at MacDonald's after we have finished our meal, I watch him run furiously in the play area. I also people watch, a pastime I enjoy.  Often, I see other women, and sometimes men, my age or older looking very tired.  Like me, they've brought their grandchild there as a way to use up time in an otherwise long day, in an otherwise long week.  Let's face it, 18 to 30 year olds are more physically capable of dealing with a 4 year old's incessant questions.

"Grandma, where are we going?"

"Why?"

"Grandma, what are you doing?"

"Why?"

"Grandma, why do I have to take a bath? Why do I have to go potty?  Why do I need to eat? Why can't I have more gum? Why can't we go out for ice cream? Why is that man fat?"

"Grandma, why are you yawning?"

Co-parenting is the new normal. My own daughter, Rachel, is a single mom, working at a coffee shop.  She just makes ends meet and paying for a sitter would be out of the question.  While state aid is often available, many of us would rather watch our grandkids, than put them in a setting where they might fall through the cracks.

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

The love we feel towards our children is immense, but the love we feel towards our grandchildren, at times, exceeds reason. Perhaps what drives us is a desire to nurture and feel needed; perhaps it is a desire for a second chance to do better. Whatever your reasons for becoming a co-parenter rather than just a grandparent, hang in there! God knows your capabilities and your children and grandchildren. He knows you are an essential piece of the puzzle and He is faithful. He will provide strength, love and even continuous, gentle responses to all of those whys.

Family is like a tree.

There is a beautiful picture that shows a tree standing tall and the words written beside it read, "Family is like branches on a tree. We all grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one." The very first time I saw that picture, I thought how lovely and how true. Families are made up of so many diverse people. People with various personalities, likes and dislikes; people that we love madly and would even die for, yet the very same people who drive us to the brink of madness.

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

Living as a family, or as a community is often a trying experience. You have heard the expression, "Blood is thicker than water",  well it is also sticky, slimy and hard to clean up...not that I speak from personal experience and no, I do not have any bodies buried in my back yard, other than my daughters' childhood guinea pigs. However, the analogy holds true. Families can be loyal, loving and trustworthy, but they can also be the source of great pain and long suffering.

This page is a place for you to come to find camaraderie in the ups and downs of living and loving our families. Are your children young, energetic and you need advice?  Is your husband not the same person you thought you married?  Are you, like me, co-parenting your grandkids? Let's walk this journey together.

Families are complex and full  of layers.  I look forward to exploring them with you.