Are there Mushrooms in your Marriage?

The title of this post is a little deceptive. It almost makes mushrooms sound bad. I love mushrooms on pizza. Last night my hubby and I grilled steaks and had mushrooms and peppers on the side. It was delicious. The only reason I chose that title was because of the picture my daughter took of these pretty orange hued shrooms. But as I was taking a shower this morning it occurred to me that maybe there is an analogy there. Mushrooms sort of pop up where you aren't looking for them. It's the same way with things that slow growth in our marriages. You aren't looking for them and then all of the sudden, WHAM! There they are, sitting pretty in the dark places of our hearts.

Men and women are very different, as if you couldn't tell. I always find it interesting, the reality, that opposites attract. Obviously our inner workings are different; physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. But God did not intend that those differences cause division and strife. He meant them for good. My husband and I enjoy many activities together. We like the outdoors so pastimes such as camping, hiking, kayaking and fishing are things we can do together. While I am content to enjoy the scenery, my spouse wants to experience it. He would love white water rafting. I would be terrified! He would love to cross the ocean in a sail boat. I am a land lubber. At times our differences become a source of frustration and irritation. It is during these times that we have to make a concerted effort to love one another and tend the garden of our marriage with kindness and gentleness. That choice is rarely easy for this French-German girl and my Danish-Welsh hubby. In this post I would like to look at several areas that inhibit growth in our marriages.

1. Unconfessed sins and hurts. As I mentioned in my faith post on Monday, unconfessed sin keeps us from becoming the people God wants us to be. In a marriage, our own sin and the effects of it are like a tangled mess of vines. For instance, selfishness is a sin we all struggle with. We live in a society that places "self" at the peak of existence. When we struggle to meet our own needs and assert our "rights" in a marriage the result can be painful. If we look at I Corinthians 13 we quickly see that "self" has no place in love. My spouse and I have been married almost 29 years and we are only beginning to really understand love. You see when I selfishly demand my way, it hurts my spouse. Then his hurt becomes a wound which leads to a pulling away from each other, which leads to mistrust. The tangled vines become large stiff cords that are hard to separate. My sin, his hurt, but we are still one flesh. When I sin, I need to confess. If he is hurt, he needs to communicate to me clearly how I have hurt him and I need to be willing to listen. 

2. Criticism and anger. I am giving this a heading of its own. While criticism and anger would clearly fall into the sin and hurt category, I believe this is a huge problem in many marriages. My spouse is a philosopher. He teaches philosophy at a local university. Logic falls under the heading of philosophy. Many men are logical thinkers. I am not saying women aren't, but I am not. It's not that I can't think logically, it's that there are way too many things going on in my brain to worry about arranging it all into neat and orderly little boxes or patterns. When we first got married, Mark would criticize many things that I did, not because he didn't love me, but because he saw a much more logical way of doing particular activities. I took his criticism to heart and felt that he didn't love me. Instead of talking to him about this I just let it simmer until KABLAM! I would lose my temper and spew all sorts of not very nice things. Whether it be men criticizing their wives or wives their husbands, there is no place for criticism in a marriage. Just as there is no place for anger. Anger might make you feel better temporarily, but it will not help the marriage grow.

3. Only pursuing our own interests. Have you ever heard this out of a married couple, "We no longer have anything in common"? I always wonder why a couple marries if they have nothing in common. I realize there are all sorts of reasons people marry and I am not here to judge why, but what I do see happen in many marriages is a pulling away from each other due to busyness and a loss of compatibility. My husband loves all the outdoors sports like fishing, hunting and more recently metal detecting. I love to read, watch movies and shop. I find that when we are busy with work, social engagements, dealing with adult children, aging parents and so on, we can easily become distanced from each other. Couples need to find activities they can do together to stay connected. You don't always have to be together, but you do need to remember who you are married to and why you married them.

4. Not leaving and cleaving. In Genesis 2:18-25 we read the story of God creating woman. His reason for doing this was to give man someone to take the place of his mother. Ha, ha. God made woman as a companion for man. Someone he could love, care for and hang out with. Often times married couples have a hard time separating themselves from their families. Mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents and so on. Family is important, but what is more important is that you make your own home, your own family, your own relationship. You are married to your wife, not your wife and your mother. You are married to your husband, not your husband and your father. Sure there are characteristics in our spouses that may mirror our parents. I used to tell my husband, "I'm not going to replace your mother." Now we laugh about it, because she and I are similar in many ways! I love my in-laws dearly and they have never been interfering in any way. Only loving and helpful! 

The leaving and cleaving idea can also apply to our children. Let's face it moms and grandmas, we often prioritize our kids and grandkids. Our husbands get left behind, wondering what happened to the woman they married. Where did she go? Oh yeah, she's over at the daughter's house again, watching the grandkids.

These are just a few areas that I feel inhibit growth in a marriage. Next week we will look at tools for growing and keeping the love light burning. Leave me a comment below and let me know what hindrances you see to relationships in our society today. Have a great week and try to grow sunflowers instead of mushrooms!

Are You Locked In?

The Year from Hell, that is how my husband and I refer to our first year of marriage! My first attempt at the birth control pill made me a hot mess! Mark, my hubby, could have dealt with the "hot" part, but the "mess", not so much. The girl he dated and grew to love turned out to be less than perfect. He grew up in a home blessed with emotional stability and when his wife turned into a crying, screaming, raving, lunatic I am sure he wondered what he had gotten himself into. Poor guy! But he has stuck with me all these years and while we have not always made growth in our marriage a priority, sometimes I think God blesses a marriage just because you have the guts to hang in there!

Many marriages, my own included, are guilty of getting locked into a pattern. Usually the pattern looks like two wheel tracks through the mud. In other words, a rut.  This week I would like to look at a few areas that need attention in a relationship between two people. Perhaps one of the most widely discussed areas is that of communication. Many young couples have no clue how to actually relate to each other. Sure they find each other attractive, they make a commitment to one another, but all of a sudden when they wake up next to each other they realize, "What do I really know about my spouse?" Their lives become filled with more questions than answers. 

"What do I do when she's crying?"

"Why is he giving me the silent treatment?"

"Why does she bang those pots and pans? Is it me?"

"Why does he look at other women? Am I not enough?"

So many questions. The best place to find answers is one another. Take time to talk to each other. Men, your wives do not intentionally bang pots and pans (well, maybe sometimes). They are not pillows, they are pans. Crying is not always your fault, in fact, rarely. Trust me on this! Women, when he's silent he's processing. The way to help him process is tell him in real words how you feel and why you are upset. And yes, they do naturally look at an attractive woman. It takes effort and self control for a man's eyes not to follow a beautiful girl.

Learning to hear (active listening) and understand takes patience, time and practice. Actually becoming "relatable" takes even more patience, time and practice. Does your husband love football? Watch a game with him. Don't ask him to take out the garbage or go to the store for you during a game. Understand that this is important to him and make it important to you as well. Try to "get" him. Walking a mile in someone else's shoes goes a long way to diffusing volatile situations and learning patience with another person.

Another area that needs growth in a marriage is the area of romance and intimacy. This is an area that will blossom when tended with care and gentleness. With time, patience, understanding, clear communication and the soil of mutual trust, intimacy can flourish. Being demanding, critical, impatient and comparative will not breed a healthy romance. Your husband will not suddenly look like Chris Hemsworth (Thor), nor will you start dressing like Wonder Woman to go to the grocery store. Marriage is made up of two real people. Why should we demand more out of the person we are married to than we demand out of ourselves?

In addition to communication and romance, a marriage needs to grow in the area of leisure. Find things to do together. Maybe you don't both love football, or shopping, but you both do love to take walks outdoors or go camping. Perhaps he likes to metal detect and you like to read. Go to a park where he can put on his gear and search for treasure and you can sit under a shady tree and get lost in a great book. It doesn't have to be the same activity that you do, but that you are in the same place, enjoying each other's presence. After you've done your activities, go out for coffee or dinner, for your more intimate twosome. 

Mark and I have found in our own marriage that laughter and prayer are two very important components in not getting locked into a pattern of bitterness and selfishness. Laughing with each other and at each other releases tension and gives you a platform from which to talk about hard problems. We love to get on Youtube and watch comedians such as Tim Hawkins. And though we don't pray consistently together, when life is overwhelming we usually pray before we go to bed. 

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

— I Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NASB)

There are so many areas that can be tweaked and improved. Areas such as spirituality, finances, employment and children also take time and effort and need to be visited regularly in order for growth to take place. The key is to keep growing. Don't get locked into the bad habit of neglecting the marriage. Keep learning things about each other and keep taking an interest in one another. Learn to live and love life, together.

What Does Renewal Look Like in our Families?

The word renewal means to make new again. In nature, the earth makes itself new again after a winter sleep, by plants beginning to bud, birds traveling back to their summer nesting grounds and critters beginning to have eyes for each other. In the retail world renewal takes on the form of seasonal displays ranging from Easter pastels, to end caps filled with seeds, potting soil and gardening tools. But how, exactly can we do renewal within our families? And is it even necessary?

As a mother of adult daughters, I often find myself wishing I could have a do-over as a parent. I was an impatient mom and often disciplined out of anger. But I cannot turn the clock back and I wouldn't trade the things I now know and understand. I believe I am a better parent now, having gone through difficulties as a young mom. So how do I experience renewal as a mother; as a wife and as a grandmother. How can I bring new life to my relationships?

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold new things have come.”

— 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

For me, I must go back to my faith. According to the verse above, if I am in Christ, I am a new creature. If I am a new creature, then the old things have passed away and new things have come. That would seem to translate that all those bad habits, sins and poor choices of my past have passed away. While I know that I am forgiven, I also am realistic enough to know I haven't arrived yet. I still mess up. But I am also thoroughly convince that Christ is all about new beginnings.

In my relationship with my family, I have found renewal looks much different than what I thought. For my oldest daughter, this blog and our working together to make it happen has been a way to bring new life to our adult relationship. For my other daughter, it has been a learning curve. She got pregnant at 18 and that was not what my husband and I thought her future would look like. I feel only recently, renewal starting to happen in our relationship as I learn to accept her where she is at, and as she and I enjoy her son, my wonderful Grandson! With my husband, I find that renewal happens as we accept our differences, agree to disagree and find things we both enjoy. Sometimes, just doing a simple thing like finding a different restaurant to go to for dinner, or going to a park for a walk instead of around the same block again, can breathe new life into our relationship.

Intentionality is very important in the renewal process. Do some planning! I am always planning with my oldest daughter Rebecca. We plan work dates, early morning walks and texting sessions, partly to work on the blog, but partly to just spend time together and keep our relationship fresh. With my other girl Rachel, my planning is more flexible. She is often more tuned into a quick, unplanned run to a store we both like, or meeting for lunch while Quintin is in school or with his dad. My husband and I have a regular date night, but I find it more fun when he plans something I know nothing about. Don't just have good intentions. Follow through on them. 

It is so easy to get into a habit and then the habit becomes a rut! Break out of that rut and refresh the relationships in your family. Start a game night with your kids. Make one supper a week a make your own pizza party. Plan a date with your hubby, but don't tell him where you are going or what you are doing. Let it be a surprise.

Perhaps, even more important is to renew yourself. You are an actual woman. You are busy, active, pulled in many directions. Do you need a manicure or a pedicure? How about a massage? If money is tight, take yourself for a walk, or ask a friend to watch your kids so you can go to a bookstore and read. Do little things for yourself that will make you feel renewed. You will be much better equipped to bring renewal into your family if you feel refreshed and in tune.

Celebrating Together

Though Easter was brought about through sacrifice, pain and death, we do not dwell on those things. We remember Jesus' act of love and as Christian parents we try to teach our children about the meaning of sacrifice, but what we celebrate is the resulting beauty of the resurrection. We emphasize the risen Lord, not the one who was in the grave. We happily look forward, not only to eternity spent with Him, but to the advent of Spring in the calendar year. How you celebrate is probably a combination of traditions you were brought up with and your own new ideas.

When I was growing up, we always wore our best clothes on Easter Sunday. My mother, being a seamstress of sorts, often made matching dresses for her and I, while my two older brothers and my father wore suits and ties. At some point during the day, jelly beans were hidden around the house and we were each given a cup. Our job was to find as many jelly beans as we could. My bothers would, more often, return with cups much fuller than mine, but I didn't mind. I think I enjoyed the ham dinner and the desert afterwords more than the jelly beans. We were also given Easter baskets with various candy and chocolate Easter bunnies.

When I became a parent, I thought it would be fun to take the jelly bean hunt to a whole new level and have a treasure hunt. After all, I wasn't a big fan of jelly beans. Several months before Easter I would begin shopping for little toys, candies or other items my girls might like. I would wrap them in tissue paper, gift bags or gift wrap and proceed to hide them all over the house and yard (if the weather allowed). I would make clues which Rebecca and Rachel would have to follow. Sometimes, one clue only led to another clue. But eventually a clue would lead to a gift. This hunt was such a hit that now, Rachel wants me to plan a hunt for her son Quintin. Oh, just twist my arm! 

There are so many wonderful things families can do together outside of the actual church services. These days many churches host egg hunts and other fun activities making the celebration last from Palm Sunday through Easter Sunday. Here are a few suggestions for making Easter, not just about gifts and candy, but about Jesus.

1. Get "resurrection eggs" and use these to tell the story of Easter.

2. Plan a jelly bean hunt, or a treasure hunt and every time something is found, read a portion of the Easter story from the Bible.

3. Color eggs. While you're doing this fun activity with your kids or grandkids listen to Christian music, or talk about how an egg symbolizes the Triune God, and new life.

4. Plan a nature hike. In the midwest we don't know what the weather will be like, but as long as it is not raining, go to a nearby park or out in your back yard and talk to the kids about God's creation.

5. With your older kids you could watch a classic old movie such as Ben-Hur,  The Greatest Story Ever Told, or The Passion of the Christ (this is very graphic and should only be shown at your discretion). Talk with your children about the movie, ask questions about the portrayals in the movies and how it compares to scripture. Ben-Hur is a fictional account based on the novel by Lew Wallace.

6. Have your kids help prepare the Easter meal. Have them be involved in setting the table, getting out decorations and tossing the salad.

7. When your family is sitting down to eat spend a few moments letting people pray or express things they are grateful for. Gratitude doesn't just have to be for Thanksgiving.

In the comments section below share some of your Easter family traditions and ideas.

God bless you as you celebrate the glory of our Risen Lord.

How to Get out of a Sticky Wicket

Many of you have heard the term, "sticky wicket". See the origin of this term here. I love to say the term with a bit of an English accent and usually say it when referring to a difficult situation. Family dynamics are often a quandary. You feel, as a parent, the need to be in charge and admitting when you mess up proves that you aren't. It becomes a bit of a sticky wicket.

This week on my blog I have been talking about confession. Confession within our families is a hard task. It involves humility and selflessness. But not confessing when we have hurt, maimed and mutilated allows the enemy to create walls and distance between us and those we love most.

When I was a young mom I was incredibly impatient with our two daughters and my husband. I would lose my temper, yell and throw things. Over the years God began to deal with me. He revealed through church, friends and His word how to manage discipline and life without anger. I started apologizing to my kids and my spouse when I would blow up, admitting to them it was wrong and that I was sorry.

Confession does not always mean an automatic change in behavior. Often, God allows difficulty to enter our lives to temper us. I know He did in mine. While suffering can cause us to be bitter, we need to choose to whom we are loyal. Bitterness will not make my relationship with God better, nor with my family. I must be pliable clay in the Potter's hands. 

“The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: ‘Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will let you hear my words.’ So I went down to the potter’s house and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.”

— Jeremiah 18:1-4

Today, think about your family. Is there someone you need to confess to? Someone who deserves an apology? Did you snip at your husband this morning? Did you yell at your daughter to clean her room? Did you discipline your five year old out of anger and impatience? Go to them and confess. Restore their faith in you and in God. It's worth it to get out of the "sticky wicket."

Every Choice Affects Someone

Monday's post on my faith page talked about sin. The whole point of Jesus being born, living, teaching, dying and rising was to free us from sin; to restore us to a right relationship with God our Heavenly Father. Like ripples on water being part of a family means that we are always affecting or influencing someone else by our choices. As much as we hear the mantra, "It's okay as long as you aren't hurting anyone else," it isn't a realistic statement. Everything we do affects someone else. Everything we don't do affects someone else.

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As a wife my choices affect my husband. More accurately my sins affect my husband. I used to think what I ate, what I listened to, what I thought was only affecting me, but it wasn't. When I eat poorly I am more tired. This impacts my relationship with Mark in that I am not able to enjoy evenings together because I am constantly yawning and intimacy gets tossed aside in favor of sleep. Other sins, such as pride, self-absorption and disrespect also affect my marriage.

As a mother, my choices affect my children. The sin of worry and anxiety have led me to more than one emotion filled discourse with my adult daughters. And for the most part that only leads to further frustration and pain, rather than healthy communication. Gluttony, anger and lack of trust in God affect how my daughters relate to me and how I represent Christ to them.

If you are a single person you may be breathing a sigh of relief. "Oh good! I don't have to worry about my choices or my sins affecting other people." But of course you do. If you are living at home, your choice to drink excessively affects your parent(s) every time you stay out late. If you have a job, your choice to not show up on time, affects your boss and your fellow employees. Every choice has a ripple affect and that goes for the good ones as well as the bad ones.

As members of a family, and representatives of Christ, we need to think about how our choices will affect those around us. A choice to sin, or do something against God will have far reaching effects for you and for those you love. Choose to choose wisely; choose to choose love instead of self interest. Make a difference to your spouse, your kids and those around you for good.

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Am I at the Opera?

I came from a family that was relatively quiet. I have two older brothers. Jeff is ten years my senior and Kevin is 4 years older than me. Yes, I was the baby and I was a girl. Imagine my brothers' chagrin when they realized something alien came into the house on that day my parents brought me home from the hospital. Jeff was enough older that he didn't pay me much mind, but Kevin, he just wasn't too sure about this crying mess. 

As we grew up in a conservative Christian home, we ate meals together. I have fond memories of sitting around our kitchen table eating. However, I do remember it being very quiet. Maybe it was because I was a girl or maybe it was due to our age differences, but there was hardly any conversation. Just reaching for what we wanted, or a quiet, "Can you pass the butter?" I don't remember talking about school or other family or....well, anything.

But somehow we survived and we all made it to adulthood. I met my husband, Mark in college (and that is another story). The first time I was invited to his home for a meal, I was ill prepared for the event. I did not realize I was going to the opera. When we sat down to eat the delicious meal his mother had prepared I was expecting a meal, much like those at my house....quiet, with little conversation. After we said grace, there was some chit chat as we passed around the food. Slowly there was a rise in the volume and speed of the conversation. I was trying to keep up with the questions being asked of me and the other conversations that were going on at the table. Mind you this is not a huge family. Mark has one married sister, that's it. But all of a sudden I found myself unable to keep up with the voices, all talking at the same time, all trying to be heard. 

In opera the term is called imbroglio. It is usually a culminating piece where a number of characters are singing at the same time in a very emotional or fast paced way. So my first encounter with my husband's family was imbroglio. While it was a bit overwhelming, I was rather fascinated by it all. Over the years, I have learned to put my ten cents in (inflation you know) and I am able to take all the conversations in. And the family has grown. Two nephews, our own daughters and now additional in-laws and grandchildren.

Through it all I have come to appreciate family. Large or small, noisy or quiet, imbroglio or solo, it's all good. I am very thankful for the family God gave me, both by blood and marriage. I hope you are able to be thankful for yours as well.

Grand-parenting or Co-parenting?

When did grand-parenting become co-parenting? When did we go from grand to co?  I mean co isn't even an entire word...It doesn't matter, really. When my grandson calls me by the name he chose, he calls me Grandma, not Coma!  There are times, though, at days' end, after co-parenting, I feel like I am in a coma.

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

Back in the day, grandparents visited.  Today, many of us co-parent with our adult children, watching their children, for many reasons ranging from single parenthood and financial hardship to being the only trustworthy choice for daycare.

My grandson, like many boys at age 4 and 5, loves to go to play lands or playgrounds, weather permitting.  Sitting at MacDonald's after we have finished our meal, I watch him run furiously in the play area. I also people watch, a pastime I enjoy.  Often, I see other women, and sometimes men, my age or older looking very tired.  Like me, they've brought their grandchild there as a way to use up time in an otherwise long day, in an otherwise long week.  Let's face it, 18 to 30 year olds are more physically capable of dealing with a 4 year old's incessant questions.

"Grandma, where are we going?"

"Why?"

"Grandma, what are you doing?"

"Why?"

"Grandma, why do I have to take a bath? Why do I have to go potty?  Why do I need to eat? Why can't I have more gum? Why can't we go out for ice cream? Why is that man fat?"

"Grandma, why are you yawning?"

Co-parenting is the new normal. My own daughter, Rachel, is a single mom, working at a coffee shop.  She just makes ends meet and paying for a sitter would be out of the question.  While state aid is often available, many of us would rather watch our grandkids, than put them in a setting where they might fall through the cracks.

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

The love we feel towards our children is immense, but the love we feel towards our grandchildren, at times, exceeds reason. Perhaps what drives us is a desire to nurture and feel needed; perhaps it is a desire for a second chance to do better. Whatever your reasons for becoming a co-parenter rather than just a grandparent, hang in there! God knows your capabilities and your children and grandchildren. He knows you are an essential piece of the puzzle and He is faithful. He will provide strength, love and even continuous, gentle responses to all of those whys.

Family is like a tree.

There is a beautiful picture that shows a tree standing tall and the words written beside it read, "Family is like branches on a tree. We all grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one." The very first time I saw that picture, I thought how lovely and how true. Families are made up of so many diverse people. People with various personalities, likes and dislikes; people that we love madly and would even die for, yet the very same people who drive us to the brink of madness.

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

Living as a family, or as a community is often a trying experience. You have heard the expression, "Blood is thicker than water",  well it is also sticky, slimy and hard to clean up...not that I speak from personal experience and no, I do not have any bodies buried in my back yard, other than my daughters' childhood guinea pigs. However, the analogy holds true. Families can be loyal, loving and trustworthy, but they can also be the source of great pain and long suffering.

This page is a place for you to come to find camaraderie in the ups and downs of living and loving our families. Are your children young, energetic and you need advice?  Is your husband not the same person you thought you married?  Are you, like me, co-parenting your grandkids? Let's walk this journey together.

Families are complex and full  of layers.  I look forward to exploring them with you.