The "Slamwich" Generation

June 15, 2016 by Amy Christensen in Adult Children, Children, Family, Grandparenting, Parenting, Sandwich Generation, Aging parents, Caring for aging parents, Life's demands

When my girls were younger we came across a card game called Slamwich. It is a fun, fast paced game, where you build sandwiches using cards that have pictures of bread, lettuce, bacon and other sandwich type fixings. While you are trying to build your sandwich you have to keep an eye out for the sandwich thieves who try to steal your sandwiches. At certain points in the game you slam your hand down yelling, "Slamwich," if you see the fixings for an entire sandwich, sandwiched in the discard pile. It was a favorite game of many of the kids their age and would often be accompanied by lots of yelling and slamming.

You may have heard of the sandwich generation. This phrase refers to people who are of an age where their lives are sandwiched between the demands of their children struggling for autonomy and the demands of caring for aging parents. The point at which one enters the sandwich arena depends on the age and maturing of the children and the increasing demands of parents with failing health or mental capabilities.

This past weekend I went to visit my mother. My father died 10 years ago, so my mother has been living alone for quite a while now. My oldest brother lives in the area, so he is there for her when she needs a job done around the house, if there is an emergency, or just to have her over for dinner with the family. I am thankful that Jeff is there and that he has taken an active part in helping my aging mother. He is definitely in sandwich mode.

As I drove the five and a half hours home, I began to think about that term and the thought struck me that it is really more like the slamwich generation! Sometimes, it feels more like we are getting slammed between the demands of these other generations of people. I think many of our children are self focused. We were too at that age. They don't often think outside the box of go to work, hang out with friends, go to school. Life revolves around what pleases them and what they think makes life significant. Married children are establishing their own homes, their own routines and starting families. You would think that it makes it easier for us who are in the middle of the bread! But I am still helping them out, whether it be with a little money to help them through another month of bills, or being available for babysitting. For older people, their demands are more obvious. While I was at my mother's she was having a large amount of anxiety over many different things. She has a harder time sleeping at night, so even that becomes a source of fear. I was able to calm her and help her work through some of that. I don't know about you other sandwichers, but it can be both mentally and emotionally taxing to be in this position..

I have a few bits of advice for all of us who are feeling like we are on display in the deli case at an upscale grocery store:

1. Remember, you are an essential part of that other person's life. They wouldn't be making demands of you, if you weren't needed or appreciated. Well, okay, the appreciation thing is questionable, but you are needed. Whether you are caring for your live-in mother-in-law with dementia, or caring for your grandson while his single mother goes to work, you are important.

2. God has a purpose in all of the messes of life, the lovely ones and the ugly ones. His desire is that we reflect His characteristics of love, compassion, gentleness and long suffering. Long suffering is definitely a slamwich characteristic.

3. I saw a quote recently on a picture at a thrift store over the weekend that I almost brought home with me:

“Patience with others is love. Patience with self is hope. Patience with God is faith.”

— Unknown

How appropriate for those of us who are feeling the pressure of being in the slamwich generation. We have to have patience with these people we love, especially when the pressure is great. Our responses to them can turn them toward Jesus or turn them away. We also need patience with ourselves. There are times we need to get away. Take a walk. Don't answer the phone. Take a long bubble bath. Read a book. Get together with your friends and watch a movie. Be good to yourself and give yourself a break. And we need to be patient with God. He is trustworthy and He knows what He's doing, even when we don't have a clue.

I want to encourage all of you who find yourselves feeling like the salami and cheese smashed between two pieces of stale wheat bread, hang in there. You are not alone and you are His beautiful servant bringing hope and comfort to those in need.

What Does Renewal Look Like in our Families?

March 30, 2016 by Amy Christensen in Adult Children, Family, Relationships, Renewal

The word renewal means to make new again. In nature, the earth makes itself new again after a winter sleep, by plants beginning to bud, birds traveling back to their summer nesting grounds and critters beginning to have eyes for each other. In the retail world renewal takes on the form of seasonal displays ranging from Easter pastels, to end caps filled with seeds, potting soil and gardening tools. But how, exactly can we do renewal within our families? And is it even necessary?

As a mother of adult daughters, I often find myself wishing I could have a do-over as a parent. I was an impatient mom and often disciplined out of anger. But I cannot turn the clock back and I wouldn't trade the things I now know and understand. I believe I am a better parent now, having gone through difficulties as a young mom. So how do I experience renewal as a mother; as a wife and as a grandmother. How can I bring new life to my relationships?

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold new things have come.”

— 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)

For me, I must go back to my faith. According to the verse above, if I am in Christ, I am a new creature. If I am a new creature, then the old things have passed away and new things have come. That would seem to translate that all those bad habits, sins and poor choices of my past have passed away. While I know that I am forgiven, I also am realistic enough to know I haven't arrived yet. I still mess up. But I am also thoroughly convince that Christ is all about new beginnings.

In my relationship with my family, I have found renewal looks much different than what I thought. For my oldest daughter, this blog and our working together to make it happen has been a way to bring new life to our adult relationship. For my other daughter, it has been a learning curve. She got pregnant at 18 and that was not what my husband and I thought her future would look like. I feel only recently, renewal starting to happen in our relationship as I learn to accept her where she is at, and as she and I enjoy her son, my wonderful Grandson! With my husband, I find that renewal happens as we accept our differences, agree to disagree and find things we both enjoy. Sometimes, just doing a simple thing like finding a different restaurant to go to for dinner, or going to a park for a walk instead of around the same block again, can breathe new life into our relationship.

Intentionality is very important in the renewal process. Do some planning! I am always planning with my oldest daughter Rebecca. We plan work dates, early morning walks and texting sessions, partly to work on the blog, but partly to just spend time together and keep our relationship fresh. With my other girl Rachel, my planning is more flexible. She is often more tuned into a quick, unplanned run to a store we both like, or meeting for lunch while Quintin is in school or with his dad. My husband and I have a regular date night, but I find it more fun when he plans something I know nothing about. Don't just have good intentions. Follow through on them.

It is so easy to get into a habit and then the habit becomes a rut! Break out of that rut and refresh the relationships in your family. Start a game night with your kids. Make one supper a week a make your own pizza party. Plan a date with your hubby, but don't tell him where you are going or what you are doing. Let it be a surprise.

Perhaps, even more important is to renew yourself. You are an actual woman. You are busy, active, pulled in many directions. Do you need a manicure or a pedicure? How about a massage? If money is tight, take yourself for a walk, or ask a friend to watch your kids so you can go to a bookstore and read. Do little things for yourself that will make you feel renewed. You will be much better equipped to bring renewal into your family if you feel refreshed and in tune.

Every Choice Affects Someone

March 02, 2016 by Amy Christensen in Adult Children, Family, Love, Parenting, Relationships

Monday's post on my faith page talked about sin. The whole point of Jesus being born, living, teaching, dying and rising was to free us from sin; to restore us to a right relationship with God our Heavenly Father. Like ripples on water being part of a family means that we are always affecting or influencing someone else by our choices. As much as we hear the mantra, "It's okay as long as you aren't hurting anyone else," it isn't a realistic statement. Everything we do affects someone else. Everything we don't do affects someone else.

As a wife my choices affect my husband. More accurately my sins affect my husband. I used to think what I ate, what I listened to, what I thought was only affecting me, but it wasn't. When I eat poorly I am more tired. This impacts my relationship with Mark in that I am not able to enjoy evenings together because I am constantly yawning and intimacy gets tossed aside in favor of sleep. Other sins, such as pride, self-absorption and disrespect also affect my marriage.

As a mother, my choices affect my children. The sin of worry and anxiety have led me to more than one emotion filled discourse with my adult daughters. And for the most part that only leads to further frustration and pain, rather than healthy communication. Gluttony, anger and lack of trust in God affect how my daughters relate to me and how I represent Christ to them.

If you are a single person you may be breathing a sigh of relief. "Oh good! I don't have to worry about my choices or my sins affecting other people." But of course you do. If you are living at home, your choice to drink excessively affects your parent(s) every time you stay out late. If you have a job, your choice to not show up on time, affects your boss and your fellow employees. Every choice has a ripple affect and that goes for the good ones as well as the bad ones.

As members of a family, and representatives of Christ, we need to think about how our choices will affect those around us. A choice to sin, or do something against God will have far reaching effects for you and for those you love. Choose to choose wisely; choose to choose love instead of self interest. Make a difference to your spouse, your kids and those around you for good.

Am I at the Opera?

February 24, 2016 by Amy Christensen in Family, Adult Children, Relationships, Siblings, Meal times

I came from a family that was relatively quiet. I have two older brothers. Jeff is ten years my senior and Kevin is 4 years older than me. Yes, I was the baby and I was a girl. Imagine my brothers' chagrin when they realized something alien came into the house on that day my parents brought me home from the hospital. Jeff was enough older that he didn't pay me much mind, but Kevin, he just wasn't too sure about this crying mess.

As we grew up in a conservative Christian home, we ate meals together. I have fond memories of sitting around our kitchen table eating. However, I do remember it being very quiet. Maybe it was because I was a girl or maybe it was due to our age differences, but there was hardly any conversation. Just reaching for what we wanted, or a quiet, "Can you pass the butter?" I don't remember talking about school or other family or....well, anything.

But somehow we survived and we all made it to adulthood. I met my husband, Mark in college (and that is another story). The first time I was invited to his home for a meal, I was ill prepared for the event. I did not realize I was going to the opera. When we sat down to eat the delicious meal his mother had prepared I was expecting a meal, much like those at my house....quiet, with little conversation. After we said grace, there was some chit chat as we passed around the food. Slowly there was a rise in the volume and speed of the conversation. I was trying to keep up with the questions being asked of me and the other conversations that were going on at the table. Mind you this is not a huge family. Mark has one married sister, that's it. But all of a sudden I found myself unable to keep up with the voices, all talking at the same time, all trying to be heard.

In opera the term is called imbroglio. It is usually a culminating piece where a number of characters are singing at the same time in a very emotional or fast paced way. So my first encounter with my husband's family was imbroglio. While it was a bit overwhelming, I was rather fascinated by it all. Over the years, I have learned to put my ten cents in (inflation you know) and I am able to take all the conversations in. And the family has grown. Two nephews, our own daughters and now additional in-laws and grandchildren.

Through it all I have come to appreciate family. Large or small, noisy or quiet, imbroglio or solo, it's all good. I am very thankful for the family God gave me, both by blood and marriage. I hope you are able to be thankful for yours as well.

Wait a Minute! This is Not What I Signed Up For!

February 17, 2016 by Amy Christensen in Family, Parenting, Adult Children, Mothers

If you would have told me when I first got pregnant the path I would be walking today, I may have run away screaming. I looked at motherhood, both as exciting and terrifying. Midnight feedings, colic, terrible twos, followed by temperamental threes, potty training...that was a cake walk. Parenting adults, not so much.

When our children are small, we have some amount of control. We can control their environment, when they eat, who they play with, where they go and so on. As they get older we begin to expand the boundaries. They go off to school, or in my case we homeschooled, and we begin to allow them more freedom. They go to their friends' homes, with our knowledge of the family they are hanging around with. We try to help them make good choices, take them to church, limit their choices of music and movies, while still allowing them to broaden their understanding of the world.

Of course, then puberty hits and all chaos breaks loose. We find ourselves reeling from the increasing lack of control we have. Their social circles broaden and suddenly we are left out. We don't know who all of their friends are and we don't always know where they are. We blink our eyes and they are graduating from high school and off to college. Wait a minute! What just happened? Could we go back to when they were small? There are some things I would like to do over.

You might be asking yourself some of the same questions I have asked, "How did we get here? Where did I mess up? When did I go from 'Mommy' to 'chopped liver'? I understand. I have two adult daughters. They have both gone through difficulties, some by their own choosing and some heaped upon them by others. As mothers we hurt...gosh I have hurt...when my daughter's fiancee asked for the ring back; when my other daughter told us she was pregnant...and there is more, so much pain. And perhaps the hardest part as a mom is not being able to do anything; not take the pain away, not heal the hurt, not change the past. I have no control. I am powerless. Or at least, that is how it feels at times.

The truth, dear ones, is that you, as a mom, have the greatest power in the universe....the capacity to love. God gave women this very special ability to love. So even though your relationship with your children changes and you can't keep them from making bad choices or having harmful things happen to them, you can still love them. Day in, day out. And for some, that and prayer are the best chance your child has.

So each day I make a conscious choice to try to mirror Jesus. To love as He would love, give help when it is needed and withhold words when they are not wanted (sometimes the hardest thing to do). I love my adult children just as much as when I first saw their little faces, it is just different and that is okay.