A Memorial to Moms

Since this past Sunday was Mother's Day, I thought it fitting to write a post for all of you moms out there, or at least the few of you who might stop in to read this blog. While our country has been honoring mothers for over 100 years, it seems hardly appropriate to give moms only one day of honor and recognition. After all, the rest of humanity wouldn't even be here if it weren't for mothers. In reality, very little of what truly goes on in a mother's life is about honor and recognition. Motherhood is a memorial to the pains of birth, followed by the pains of the heart. A life of toil, meeting the needs and demands of others, with snippets of joy and laughter slipped in. A stew made up of love, sweat, tears, scented soaps, dry hands and pretty scarves. A woman, but not just that, a mother, is a conglomeration of people; a melting pot of jobs and a garden of everything from herbs and vegetables, to flowers and cacti.

Photo credit Rebecca Trumbull

My mother, a small woman of English descent still wears a headscarf that makes her look like a little Polish babushka. She is a lady who knows how to whip up a pot of chicken soup and clean a house. She was a Sunday School teacher to 2 and 3 year olds for over 50 years. Her hands and face are wrinkly, but her eyes blaze with light and her heart loves to dance and laugh. At 89 years of age she still lives independently in the home I was raised in. 

My mother-in-law was an oncology nurse for over 20 years. She has a poise and dignity that carry over into everything she does. She makes fabulous meals and has been a source of love, fun and inspiration to her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. In her retirement she continues to care for and help anyone her life touches including her own husband who has Parkinson's.

There are not enough pages to give moms their due. But we must also acknowledge that all we see on a day to day basis, only glosses over the surface of who a mother really is. She is human. She was born with a sin nature and struggles against it all of her life. She knows the voice of the enemy because he lashes her with guilt and regret. She has been down the road of "what ifs" a million times and has worn a spot in the carpet somewhere with her nighttime pacing. She could own stock in the Kleenex company and I know God has many alabaster jars full of tears in heaven. She wants to be what everyone expects of her, but also realizes that is impossible. She wants her husband to succeed, but more often than not, feels too overwhelmed to help him do it. She desires the best life for her children, but must only stand back and watch when they make choices that guarantee that life will not happen. She has hopes and dreams for herself, but she is willing to give them all up to simply be for everyone else.

Who is your mother? She is a warrior! She will fight for you. She is a priestess! She will pray for you. She is a bear! She will protect you. She is a light! She will guide you. She is a fire! She will warm you. She is so many things and more because that is who God made her. God made you, Mom and you are the crown of His creation! 

What Does Renewal Look Like in our Families?

The word renewal means to make new again. In nature, the earth makes itself new again after a winter sleep, by plants beginning to bud, birds traveling back to their summer nesting grounds and critters beginning to have eyes for each other. In the retail world renewal takes on the form of seasonal displays ranging from Easter pastels, to end caps filled with seeds, potting soil and gardening tools. But how, exactly can we do renewal within our families? And is it even necessary?

As a mother of adult daughters, I often find myself wishing I could have a do-over as a parent. I was an impatient mom and often disciplined out of anger. But I cannot turn the clock back and I wouldn't trade the things I now know and understand. I believe I am a better parent now, having gone through difficulties as a young mom. So how do I experience renewal as a mother; as a wife and as a grandmother. How can I bring new life to my relationships?

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold new things have come.”

— 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

For me, I must go back to my faith. According to the verse above, if I am in Christ, I am a new creature. If I am a new creature, then the old things have passed away and new things have come. That would seem to translate that all those bad habits, sins and poor choices of my past have passed away. While I know that I am forgiven, I also am realistic enough to know I haven't arrived yet. I still mess up. But I am also thoroughly convince that Christ is all about new beginnings.

In my relationship with my family, I have found renewal looks much different than what I thought. For my oldest daughter, this blog and our working together to make it happen has been a way to bring new life to our adult relationship. For my other daughter, it has been a learning curve. She got pregnant at 18 and that was not what my husband and I thought her future would look like. I feel only recently, renewal starting to happen in our relationship as I learn to accept her where she is at, and as she and I enjoy her son, my wonderful Grandson! With my husband, I find that renewal happens as we accept our differences, agree to disagree and find things we both enjoy. Sometimes, just doing a simple thing like finding a different restaurant to go to for dinner, or going to a park for a walk instead of around the same block again, can breathe new life into our relationship.

Intentionality is very important in the renewal process. Do some planning! I am always planning with my oldest daughter Rebecca. We plan work dates, early morning walks and texting sessions, partly to work on the blog, but partly to just spend time together and keep our relationship fresh. With my other girl Rachel, my planning is more flexible. She is often more tuned into a quick, unplanned run to a store we both like, or meeting for lunch while Quintin is in school or with his dad. My husband and I have a regular date night, but I find it more fun when he plans something I know nothing about. Don't just have good intentions. Follow through on them. 

It is so easy to get into a habit and then the habit becomes a rut! Break out of that rut and refresh the relationships in your family. Start a game night with your kids. Make one supper a week a make your own pizza party. Plan a date with your hubby, but don't tell him where you are going or what you are doing. Let it be a surprise.

Perhaps, even more important is to renew yourself. You are an actual woman. You are busy, active, pulled in many directions. Do you need a manicure or a pedicure? How about a massage? If money is tight, take yourself for a walk, or ask a friend to watch your kids so you can go to a bookstore and read. Do little things for yourself that will make you feel renewed. You will be much better equipped to bring renewal into your family if you feel refreshed and in tune.

A Suffering More Dark

No one wants to suffer. I mean how many of us would sign up for a root canal? Or how about six months of chemo? Maybe you would prefer the death of a loved one or the loss of a job. We all know individuals who are suffering. Right now I know people who are living with illness, cancer, loss of income, divorce, death of a child, emergency surgery, stroke, death of a parent, loss of a friend to suicide...the list goes on. Many of you are acquainted with that awkward feeling you get when a friend tells you the difficulties, they or someone else are going through and you wonder, "What can I do?"

That awkward feeling is replaced by a descent into a dark place when the suffering comes from within your own family. How hard is it for a mother to bury her baby, or her adult child? I have heard it said, "A parent should never outlive their child," but it happens. More often than we would like. What pain does a spouse endure as they watch their beloved sinking into death over a period of weeks, months or years? 

i have found in my own experience that some suffering has closure. Death is final. There is no undoing what has been done. It is over. Somehow, that seems easier, especially when you know the loved one is now with Jesus. When, I say, easier, I am not trying to belittle the pain of those who have lost someone. My father passed away in 2006. He spent the last few years of his life delving into the void of dementia. When my brother called me on January 14th at 6 AM, I knew he was gone. I numbly packed my suitcase and kissed my husband and daughters goodbye so I could go be with my mom and help her plan the funeral. We knew it was coming, but death still has a way of leaving its mark. For more than a year, I would feel waves of mind numbing fog. I had truly lost a part of myself.

However, my dad loved Jesus. I know, right now, without a doubt, where he is. I have closure. My dad is worshipping at the feet of Christ and dementia no longer has a hold on him. I still have moments when I allow myself to wrap that cloak of grief around me and remember what I lost, but then I can fold it up and put it away.

No, the suffering, I have found to be much more persistent, much more dank than death is the suffering of hopelessness. Oh, don't get me wrong, I know as sure as God is God that there is always hope, but as a mom, it doesn't get any harder than when your child suffers. The suffering may come in the form of an illness or injury; it might be the dying of a dream for your son or daughter or it may be they have chosen to walk away from the things that you hold to be true and dear. The darker depths are painted with the startling strokes of childhood sexual assault, exposure to addictive drugs, eating disorders, alcohol abuse and many other spiritual, physical and psychological difficulties. Splatter in unplanned pregnancies and alcohol related deaths and a mother's heart becomes worn and she realizes, "I am powerless!"

Yes! I....am....powerless! I am worn.

But! God....is....not!

He is the God that can heal! (Psalm 103:2-3) He is the God that can carry the broken hearted. (Psalm 147:3) He is the God that will have vengeance! (Romans 12:19) He is the God that will bind the wounds. He is the God who does not sleep. (Psalm 121:4) Only He can reach into the past, bring light to the darkness and heal the ragged, gaping injury that was done! He alone is God, there is no other.

How to Get out of a Sticky Wicket

Many of you have heard the term, "sticky wicket". See the origin of this term here. I love to say the term with a bit of an English accent and usually say it when referring to a difficult situation. Family dynamics are often a quandary. You feel, as a parent, the need to be in charge and admitting when you mess up proves that you aren't. It becomes a bit of a sticky wicket.

This week on my blog I have been talking about confession. Confession within our families is a hard task. It involves humility and selflessness. But not confessing when we have hurt, maimed and mutilated allows the enemy to create walls and distance between us and those we love most.

When I was a young mom I was incredibly impatient with our two daughters and my husband. I would lose my temper, yell and throw things. Over the years God began to deal with me. He revealed through church, friends and His word how to manage discipline and life without anger. I started apologizing to my kids and my spouse when I would blow up, admitting to them it was wrong and that I was sorry.

Confession does not always mean an automatic change in behavior. Often, God allows difficulty to enter our lives to temper us. I know He did in mine. While suffering can cause us to be bitter, we need to choose to whom we are loyal. Bitterness will not make my relationship with God better, nor with my family. I must be pliable clay in the Potter's hands. 

“The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: ‘Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will let you hear my words.’ So I went down to the potter’s house and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.”

— Jeremiah 18:1-4

Today, think about your family. Is there someone you need to confess to? Someone who deserves an apology? Did you snip at your husband this morning? Did you yell at your daughter to clean her room? Did you discipline your five year old out of anger and impatience? Go to them and confess. Restore their faith in you and in God. It's worth it to get out of the "sticky wicket."

Family is like a tree.

There is a beautiful picture that shows a tree standing tall and the words written beside it read, "Family is like branches on a tree. We all grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one." The very first time I saw that picture, I thought how lovely and how true. Families are made up of so many diverse people. People with various personalities, likes and dislikes; people that we love madly and would even die for, yet the very same people who drive us to the brink of madness.

Photo Credit: Rebecca Trumbull

Living as a family, or as a community is often a trying experience. You have heard the expression, "Blood is thicker than water",  well it is also sticky, slimy and hard to clean up...not that I speak from personal experience and no, I do not have any bodies buried in my back yard, other than my daughters' childhood guinea pigs. However, the analogy holds true. Families can be loyal, loving and trustworthy, but they can also be the source of great pain and long suffering.

This page is a place for you to come to find camaraderie in the ups and downs of living and loving our families. Are your children young, energetic and you need advice?  Is your husband not the same person you thought you married?  Are you, like me, co-parenting your grandkids? Let's walk this journey together.

Families are complex and full  of layers.  I look forward to exploring them with you.