Book Review - The Deep-Rooted Marriage by Dan B. Allender, PhD and Steve Call, PhD

(This book review is being done in exchange for a free copy of the book. No money was exchanged for this review. All opinions are my own.)

My husband, Mark and I have been married for 37.5 years. The fact that we have been together for more years than we were on our own is rather mind boggling. We came into our marriage, both with certain expectations and our own share of unrealistic ideas about what a Christian marriage should look like. Over the course of those three-plus decades we have read many books on marriage. Thankfully we both were open to the idea of reading books to try to find a path through our unique personalities and our differences of opinion. All of these books were helpful in a variety of ways, but it seemed we still struggled with the same issues time and time again.

The Deep-Rooted Marriage is the first book I have read that has actually left me feeling hopeful rather than overwhelmed. (Mark and I will be reading the book together at a future time, but I needed to get through it for this book review, so you will be hearing my thoughts on it without those of my spouse.)

Dan Allender received a Master of Divinity from Westminster Theological Seminary, and a PhD in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is a “pioneer of a unique and innovative approach to trauma and abuse therapy.” He also helped found the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, and The Allender Center. Steve Call received an MA in Theology from Fuller Seminary, an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy, as well as a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Seattle Pacific University. He and his wife, Lisa are the founders of The Reconnect Institute.

Dan and Steve worked hard to author a book that speaks to the heart. This is not a book of lists. It does not give you boxes to check off, nor does it speak to identify our personality differences or our varied love languages. While those things can be helpful on the road to understanding our significant others better, they honestly do not get to the core of who we are.

“Every marriage is a story of two people formed by different worlds joining together to create a universe that has never existed before. Your marriage is unique in all its goodness and in all that needs redemption….Understanding the past allows us to make sense of what’s not working in the present. If we don’t explore our earlier stories, we won’t grasp how our histories of brokenness and beauty are playing out now. And we’ll be bound to repeat them in one form or another.” (p. xi - A Note from Dan - The Deep Rooted Marriage.)

Throughout the book Dan and Steve, along with their wives Becky and Lisa, use examples from their own marriages, and from couples they have counseled, to shed light on the mysteries of marital relationships as they are affected by our upbringing, and the trauma that so many of us bring across the threshold. They also write with hope and positivity making the reader willing to open up and trust the ideas and techniques being put forth.

The book is divided into three parts: Part 1 - Getting Clear-eyed About Who You Are - addresses marital beginnings; things that end up disconnecting us like loneliness, contempt, feeling stuck and a lack of delight; and digs into the unresolved trauma that many of us bring into a marriage.

“You and your partner’s failure of each other is incredibly complex, tangled up with your deeply held ways of being in the world and the relational patterns you each developed in response to trauma throughout your lives.” (p. 35 - The Deep Rooted Marriage.)

Part 2 - Disrupting Divisive Patterns and Changing the Atmosphere - discusses how to create a safe environment in the marriage when we have long used coping mechanisms to get by: things like fragmenting, numbing, isolating as well as anxiety and flight, anger and fight, and avoidance and freezing or fawning. This part also goes more deeply into the areas of shame and contempt which I found very eye opening and compelling.

“No marriage can thrive if contempt is a frequent theme. It is the number one killer of intimacy and hope, functioning like a deadly gas filling the air and poisoning the relationship. As we settle into patterns of resentment, we don’t realize the danger we are tolerating.” (p. 107 - The Deep Rooted Marriage.)

Part 3 - Generating Goodness Between You and Beyond You - speaks to the necessary work of reconnecting, repairing and restoring our marriages through things like validation, inviting our spouses into our experience, engaging in the differences and really trying to understand each other.

“Repair in your marriage will defy logic and reasoning. It will feel both astounding and risky, especially as you give your partner access to hurts. But you are meant to be seen and known, to be honored and cared for, and you can choose to invite the deepest experiences of these things into your marriage. There will always be conflicts and ruptures for you to navigate, but as you grow stronger together over time, the duration of your disconnection will lessen and you’ll find ways to cultivate intimacy amid tension.” (p. 165 - The Deep Rooted Marriage.)

The Deep Rooted Marriage is written from the vantage point of having experience and understanding of not only marital relationships, and clinical psychology and counseling, but from having a faith base. Dan and Steve both believe in the redemptive work of Jesus Christ as being an important influence in our relationships.

I highly recommend this book for any couple, from those just thinking about getting married, to those who have been married for decades, but want to have a deeper understanding of their partner and the place of Christ’s redemptive work in the relationship.

You can also purchase a companion guide to this book, which offers additional insights, questions and exercises for you and your significant other to work through the ideas put forth in the book. At the back of the companion guide is a QR code giving you access to free chapter summary videos for the guide.

“Marriage is not merely getting along or learning to compromise; it reveals who you are and invites you to who you can become. It offers a space for you to experience what you are made for—honor, delight, and tastes of heaven.” (Back cover - The Deep Rooted Companion Guide).

Book Review - The Garden Within by Dr. Anita Phillips

I was given the opportunity by Frontgate Media to review another book. In exchange for the review I am provided with a free copy of the book. I like to be choosy about which things I review and recommend to you, the readers and subscribers of my blog. I try to choose things that speak to where we are as women, and more specifically, women of faith.

The Garden Within by Dr. Anita Phillips is another book I found compelling and useful. Dr. Phillips is a minister, therapist, and life coach.

Widely recognized as a thought leader at the intersection of mental health, faith and culture, Dr. Anita holds degrees from the University of Maryland and Regent University and completed a postdoctoral fellowship at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.
— The Garden Within - Book Jacket

In this book Dr. Phillips discusses why embracing our emotions is key to living a truly powerful life. She combines ideas from neurobiology, faith and her own research in showing how strengthening our emotional well being will also help to strengthen our physical bodies, renew our minds and reawaken our spiritual joy.

She believes God created us with the heart as the center of the human experience, rather than the mind. She also believes Jesus, who was completely in touch with His emotions, understood this to be true, and offers examples from the scripture from weeping in front of Lazarus’ tomb (John 11:35), to anger in the temple over the money changers (Matt. 21:12), to wrestling in the garden with the anguish of what awaited him on the cross (Luke 22:42).

You don’t need to overthrow your emotions to experience a revolution in your life. You just need to overthrow the lies you have believed about your emotions. The Creator designed your heart to be a garden, not a war zone. A truly powerful life isn’t won. It’s cultivated.
— The Garden Within - p. xxv

The Garden Within is divided into three sections: Part 1 - Soil Power, Part 2 - Deeply Rooted, and Part 3 - The Embodied Garden. Each of these sections takes a look at our emotional tapestry through the analogy of a garden.

When Anita was a child in 5th grade science class she was fascinated by her teacher’s assignment of growing a pea plant in wet paper towels rather than dirt. Her teacher wanted the students to understand how much growth went on before the plant was ever above the soil. Her fascination with plants continued all throughout her education, but when she was a mother of two, a licensed therapist and working on her PhD she found herself again in a science class.

At the same time Anita was delving into a study of the book of Romans. Only a few verses into the first chapter she was stunned by Romans 1:20.

20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse,
— Romans 1:20 (NKJV)

The next day her assigned reading was an introduction to neurons. Upon, seeing a picture of a neuron she was flabbergasted to see it looked almost exactly like her pea plant. God had made both the pea plant and the neuron. Anita realized there were to many passages in scripture that had to do with plants, trees and gardens. These passages were used to teach spiritual lessons and guidelines for living. She felt God was revealing to her a deep connection between the world as He created it and the world He created inside of us in the form of our emotions, thoughts and actions.

Illustration from The Garden Within - p. 7

Dr. Phillips found herself searching for answers to a number of questions and this is what she discovered:

1 - How does Scripture define well-being? As a garden. (Isaiah 58:11)

2 - What is mean to grow in the garden? Relationships, purpose and legacy - things that give our life meaning.

3 - Where is the garden planted? In the soil of our hearts.

4 - What makes that soil fertile? Faith, hope and love.

5 - What is emotional well-being? Our capacity - and willingness - to be aware of, acknowledge, and experience all our emotions.

6 - What happens when we cultivate emotional well-being? We unleash, sustain and nourish the full power of the word-seeds that we choose to plant in our garden within.

7 - Is this what it means to live a powerful life? Yes.

(Points taken from The Garden Within - pp. 43-44)

Anita uses the events of Creation, and the Parable of the Sower and the Seed to further expand on these points and show us how to begin cultivating our own garden within by first determining what we want to grow in the three zones of relationships, purpose and legacy. We then prepare our soil, or our hearts by pulling weeds and cleaning and checking the soil by being aware of how we are doing emotionally. Next we set up a watering system. Just as gardens have to be intentionally watered, so too our emotional well being needs to be taken care of. Finally, we determine to plant good seeds.

Our spiritual well being hinges on the quality of the word-seeds sown because they determine what we believe is true about God and ourselves. Each seed is a potential blessing or potential curse.”
— The Garden Within - p. 71

Anita points out that these word-seeds come to us from all directions including things we tell ourselves. What we choose to plant, or listen to, will determine what grows in the garden of our hearts.

There is a lot of information in this book and I personally feel it will require several readings to fully grasp all the concepts and wisdom within its pages. However, Dr. Phillips does address a number of prominent emotions: sadness (including loneliness and grief), anger, and fear. She gives examples and outlines a therapeutic processes for each emotion to help dig in and cultivate the soil in our hearts.

I would recommend this book for anyone who has gone through emotional trauma, or who has just been part of the “don’t express it, or talk about it” culture. I am going to be reading through this again and taking notes to glean even more. If yo would like to buy your own copy of The Garden Within by Dr. Anita Phillips, just click on the link.

Whatever Happens by Robert J. Morgan - A Book Review

(This book review is being done in exchange for the book. No money has exchanged hands for this review.)

I was contacted again by FrontGate Media to review a book. They send me numerous titles throughout the year, and I only choose certain ones to review. It needs to be worth my time to read the book, and it has to be something I am interested in keeping. This book by Robert J. Morgan is just that. You can read more about the author here.

Whatever Happens: How to Stand Firm in Your Faith When the World is Falling Apart is a deep dive into the book of Philippians, one of my favorite letters of Paul. The Apostle Paul is writing from Rome where he is a prisoner, to the church at Philippi. The introduction to the book gives us a good synopsis of what follows.

Whatever. Whatever happens. The apostle Paul was facing uncharted circumstances and an unsettled future. He didn’t know if he would be released or executed. He didn’t know if he would live or die. But he knew one thing: Whatever happened, he was going to stand firm in the faith and conduct himself in a manner worthy of the gospel.
— Robert J. Morgan, Whatever Happens p. x

This is the call for all of us who have given our lives to Christ. Whatever. Whatever happens, to stand firm in the faith and to live a life worthy of the gospel.

Morgan’s first two chapters set the background for how Paul came to Philippi by taking a look at the events in Acts 16:6-34. Reading through the passage we can see how God closed many doors to get Paul to the place He wanted him. Morgan makes a point that God’s will for our lives is progressive, premeditated, and purposeful, and that is why we need not get discouraged when a door closes. God always has the best plan.

Morgan also points out that during his stay in Philippi Paul doesn’t just make converts, he makes enemies who actually have him arrested, beaten, and thrown in jail. It is during this time of incarceration that we see the apostle and his companion Silas go from tending their wounds to worshipping their God in song. The aftermath of this time of worship includes an earthquake, a distraught guard, and the eventual conversion of the guard and his whole family.

Through song and suffering, the church was planted in Philippi, and through song and suffering, we, too, serve the Lord faithfully with joy, even in our midnight hours.
— Robert J. Morgan, Whatever Happens pp. 15

With a casual, easy to read style, Morgan gets into the meat of the book of Philippians by breaking the chapters down into bite sized sections. Each chapter of Morgan’s book delves into a group of connected verses. Morgan uses relevant stories, quotes, and examples to tie in how this letter of Paul is just as relevant to us today as it was to the new converts in the church at Philippi.

Each chapter starts with the words, Whatever Happens…Here are a few.

Chapter 3 - ….Layer Your Life with Generosity

Chapter 5 - …Remember God is Still Working on You

Chapter 7 - …Replace Gloomy Thoughts with Glorious Ones

Chapter 10 - …Never Be Intimidated

Chapter 20 - ...Actively Press On

Chapter 26 - …Discover the Secret to Contentment

Whatever Happens brings new insights to the book of Philippians, and how it applies to the times we are living in today. It is a strong reminder that God gives us the strength to press on when life is difficult, and He gives us the ability to have joy in the midst of those hard times.

Here are just a few of the quotes I highlighted in my copy:

As we grow in Agape, we make wiser decisions because we develop greater knowledge and depth of insight.
— Robert J. Morgan, Whatever Happens pp. 43
The circumstances of our lives have become servants of Christ’s commands. Our circumstances must bow before Jesus. We may not be able to control them, and chaos may seem to reign. But the Savior who turned water into wine and death into life can bring about a mutation, a transfiguration, a reversal, an evolution of our circumstances. The Savior can turn our circumstances into His servants for the advancement of His Kingdom. This is part of redemption.
— Robert J. Morgan, Whatever Happens pp. 52
The attitude of exalting Christ whatever happens has the power to weaken or destroy the grip of circumstance-based anxiety in our lives—-to live is Christ and to die is gain.
— Robert Morgan, Whatever Happens pp. 69
I cannot grow spiritually without keeping a positive attitude about life.
— Robert J. Morgan, Whatever Happens pp. 103
God put the burning stars into a dark sky to teach us something about our own lives and about the mission He has for us. We are to shine His light into a dark world. I cannot think of a single better way of using my time than by holding forth the Word of Life.
— Quote Source
...I had never before thought of joy as a safeguard, as a shield, as a weapon, as an invisible cloak around me, or as a guardian who served as a security officer.
— Robert J. Morgan, Whatever Happens pp. 127

I could go on, but I hope reading a few of these quotes gives you a taste of the knowledgable and thorough insight the author has put into this look at Philippians. I believe this book is apropos for the times we are living in. We are living in a darkened world, and God desires we be the lights that shine spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I found this book spoke to my heart, bringing a new understanding of the Letter of Paul to the Philippians. It reminded me that my faith is never stagnant and I have never arrived. There is always more to learn. I would strongly recommend Whatever Happens to every Christ follower.