Book Review - The Deep-Rooted Marriage by Dan B. Allender, PhD and Steve Call, PhD

(This book review is being done in exchange for a free copy of the book. No money was exchanged for this review. All opinions are my own.)

My husband, Mark and I have been married for 37.5 years. The fact that we have been together for more years than we were on our own is rather mind boggling. We came into our marriage, both with certain expectations and our own share of unrealistic ideas about what a Christian marriage should look like. Over the course of those three-plus decades we have read many books on marriage. Thankfully we both were open to the idea of reading books to try to find a path through our unique personalities and our differences of opinion. All of these books were helpful in a variety of ways, but it seemed we still struggled with the same issues time and time again.

The Deep-Rooted Marriage is the first book I have read that has actually left me feeling hopeful rather than overwhelmed. (Mark and I will be reading the book together at a future time, but I needed to get through it for this book review, so you will be hearing my thoughts on it without those of my spouse.)

Dan Allender received a Master of Divinity from Westminster Theological Seminary, and a PhD in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is a “pioneer of a unique and innovative approach to trauma and abuse therapy.” He also helped found the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, and The Allender Center. Steve Call received an MA in Theology from Fuller Seminary, an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy, as well as a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Seattle Pacific University. He and his wife, Lisa are the founders of The Reconnect Institute.

Dan and Steve worked hard to author a book that speaks to the heart. This is not a book of lists. It does not give you boxes to check off, nor does it speak to identify our personality differences or our varied love languages. While those things can be helpful on the road to understanding our significant others better, they honestly do not get to the core of who we are.

“Every marriage is a story of two people formed by different worlds joining together to create a universe that has never existed before. Your marriage is unique in all its goodness and in all that needs redemption….Understanding the past allows us to make sense of what’s not working in the present. If we don’t explore our earlier stories, we won’t grasp how our histories of brokenness and beauty are playing out now. And we’ll be bound to repeat them in one form or another.” (p. xi - A Note from Dan - The Deep Rooted Marriage.)

Throughout the book Dan and Steve, along with their wives Becky and Lisa, use examples from their own marriages, and from couples they have counseled, to shed light on the mysteries of marital relationships as they are affected by our upbringing, and the trauma that so many of us bring across the threshold. They also write with hope and positivity making the reader willing to open up and trust the ideas and techniques being put forth.

The book is divided into three parts: Part 1 - Getting Clear-eyed About Who You Are - addresses marital beginnings; things that end up disconnecting us like loneliness, contempt, feeling stuck and a lack of delight; and digs into the unresolved trauma that many of us bring into a marriage.

“You and your partner’s failure of each other is incredibly complex, tangled up with your deeply held ways of being in the world and the relational patterns you each developed in response to trauma throughout your lives.” (p. 35 - The Deep Rooted Marriage.)

Part 2 - Disrupting Divisive Patterns and Changing the Atmosphere - discusses how to create a safe environment in the marriage when we have long used coping mechanisms to get by: things like fragmenting, numbing, isolating as well as anxiety and flight, anger and fight, and avoidance and freezing or fawning. This part also goes more deeply into the areas of shame and contempt which I found very eye opening and compelling.

“No marriage can thrive if contempt is a frequent theme. It is the number one killer of intimacy and hope, functioning like a deadly gas filling the air and poisoning the relationship. As we settle into patterns of resentment, we don’t realize the danger we are tolerating.” (p. 107 - The Deep Rooted Marriage.)

Part 3 - Generating Goodness Between You and Beyond You - speaks to the necessary work of reconnecting, repairing and restoring our marriages through things like validation, inviting our spouses into our experience, engaging in the differences and really trying to understand each other.

“Repair in your marriage will defy logic and reasoning. It will feel both astounding and risky, especially as you give your partner access to hurts. But you are meant to be seen and known, to be honored and cared for, and you can choose to invite the deepest experiences of these things into your marriage. There will always be conflicts and ruptures for you to navigate, but as you grow stronger together over time, the duration of your disconnection will lessen and you’ll find ways to cultivate intimacy amid tension.” (p. 165 - The Deep Rooted Marriage.)

The Deep Rooted Marriage is written from the vantage point of having experience and understanding of not only marital relationships, and clinical psychology and counseling, but from having a faith base. Dan and Steve both believe in the redemptive work of Jesus Christ as being an important influence in our relationships.

I highly recommend this book for any couple, from those just thinking about getting married, to those who have been married for decades, but want to have a deeper understanding of their partner and the place of Christ’s redemptive work in the relationship.

You can also purchase a companion guide to this book, which offers additional insights, questions and exercises for you and your significant other to work through the ideas put forth in the book. At the back of the companion guide is a QR code giving you access to free chapter summary videos for the guide.

“Marriage is not merely getting along or learning to compromise; it reveals who you are and invites you to who you can become. It offers a space for you to experience what you are made for—honor, delight, and tastes of heaven.” (Back cover - The Deep Rooted Companion Guide).

Faith Inspiration - Oswald Chambers - Our Great Capacity for God - Part 2: Sin's Beginning

Last month we started a deeper dive into this quote from Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest.

“We are designed with a great capacity for God, but sin, our own individuality, and wrong thinking keep us from getting to Him. God delivers us from sin——we have to deliver ourselves from our individuality. This means offering our natural life to God and sacrificing it to Him, so He may transform it into spiritual life through our obedience...We must see to it that we aid and assist God, and not stand against Him...we must discipline ourselves. God will not bring our ‘arguments...and every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ’ (2 Corinthians 10:5)——we have to do it.””

— My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers - November 18

I discussed what it might mean for us to have a great capacity for God. You can see that post here. This week we are going to start looking at the three things keeping us from experiencing this great capacity for God. The first of these deterrents is sin. Let’s do a quick Biblical review of sin’s origins.

Image by Petra Ohmer from Pixabay

Once again, we are taken to the beginning. In the book of Genesis we see the story of the creation of the world, including all that is living from plants and animals, to fish and humans. We see that God placed Adam, the first man, and his wife, Eve in a beautiful garden called Eden. He gave them everything they needed and they could eat from any tree in the garden but one, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

“15 Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it.
16 The Lord God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely;
17 but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.””

— Genesis 2:15-17 (NASB 1995)

Image by NoName_13 from Pixabay

All we need to do is read the following chapter to see that Adam and Eve chose to do exactly what God told them not to do and from that tree they ate. Of course, they were manipulated by God’s enemy, Satan, who was disguised as a beautiful serpent.

“1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?”
2 The woman said to the serpent, “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat;
3 but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.’”
4 The serpent said to the woman, “You surely will not die!
5 For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.
7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.”

— Genesis 3:1-7 (NASB 1995)

Image by NoName_13 from Pixabay

We need to look at this passage and really understand how easily one wrong thought, one wrong choice led to the downfall of humanity. Let’s look at Satan’s tactics (and yes I have covered this before, but it is important), and look at Adam and Eve’s responses.

1 - Satan went to Eve first. We are not told where Adam was, but the serpent started with Eve. I don’t know why he approached her first. Perhaps he knew she was more easily persuaded by his charm and beauty.

2 - Satan immediately manipulates God’s words. He asks Eve, Did God say you couldn’t eat from the trees in the garden? I am assuming he already knew exactly what God had told the couple. He knew they could eat from all the trees except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

3 - Eve misquotes God. We can see in chapter 2 God told them if they ate of the tree they would surely die. He said nothing about them touching it. Eve adds the idea of physical touch also leading to death, as though that would seem more dramatic.

4 - Once again, Satan manipulates. “You surely will not die!” While we know it was not an immediate physical death, we also know eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil did lead to both an eventual physical and spiritual death; just a little detail the serpent left out.

Image by Alex Yomare from Pixabay

5 - Satan turns the screw tighter. “For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God knowing good and evil.” Satan offered, not only the possibility of being like God, but he caused Eve to question whether God was trustworthy. Can’t you hear her thinking, “If God really loves us, why didn’t He tell us this from the start? Why is He withholding it from us?”

6 - Eve looked and desired. Instead of turning away from Satan and looking for Adam to seek his input, she looked at the tree and saw it was desirable for food, and a delight to look at. You can see the wheels spinning in her mind. She saw that it was beautiful, then she desired it, then she remembered what Satan had just told her, it would make her wise…so she took and ate.

7 - Eve took her husband down with her. We can’t say Eve did this with any bad intentions. She may have just been very excited and perhaps the fruit tasted divine and she wanted to share it with her beloved. Whatever her reasons for including her husband in this defiance of God’s command it lead to the fall of humanity from the grace of their loving Creator.

Image by Nika Akin from Pixabay

8 - Adam and Eve immediately experience shame and want to hide. The serpent was absolutely right about one thing, their eyes would be open and they would know good and evil. It would be interesting to hear their conversation as they suddenly came to the realization they were naked and as they sought to find leaves to cover themselves.

The reason I covered this in detail is to show you the progression that all sin takes and has taken from the very beginning.

1 - Satan finds us when we are alone and vulnerable. When do the temptations come in our lives? It is always when we are struggling and discouraged, and most often when we feel no one has our back. Sin will creep in when we feel alone, sad, angry, discouraged, overwhelmed, anxious, and not enough.

2 - Satan will manipulate God’s words. How often have you heard people say, “If God is good, why is this bad thing happening?” Or, “God must not really love me, or I wouldn’t be struggling.” Or, “Where was God when this terrible thing happened?” Satan takes the truth about our God: that He is good, that He loves us, or that is with us always, and turns it on its head. “God didn’t really say….”

Image by Fathromi Ramdlon from Pixabay

3 - Satan doesn’t just manipulate God’s words, he manipulates our circumstances and the voices we hear around us to reinforce the lies he has begun to feed us. God isn’t really loving if He condemns people to hell. God isn’t really good, just look at all the terrible things going on in the world. There is no such place as hell, we will all be in heaven one day. When we die we become our spirit animals and play happily in the clouds. I am sure you can list other thoughts and ideas you have heard.

If we do not know God’s word well, or we begin to question God’s love and authority, we will begin to question the authenticity of the Bible. I know many who were raised in the the church who grew up under the teaching of God’s word who now are questioning that it was actually inspired by God, and that the men who wrote it were just interjecting their own opinions and thoughts. It is not too far a leap to give up on the truth of the Word all together when going down that path.

4 - We no longer talk about sin. The word sin is no longer politically correct, or woke. This is exactly where our enemy wants us to be. Sin has gone into hiding, covering itself with the beauty of the world’s philosophies that everyone is okay and no one is bad.

Next month we will delve deeper into what the Bible says about sin, this obstacle that keeps us from our great capacity for God. I hope you will join me.

Let me know your thoughts by leaving me a comment. I appreciate all of your feedback.

Mulling It Over: Romans 8:35-36

This month we are going to look at Romans 8:35-36. Last time we looked at two questions that needed to be answered. Here we find one more question written in two ways, that begs a response.

“35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 Just as it is written,

’For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’””

— Romans 8:35-36 (NASB 1995)

As we learned in the last installment we are God’s elect, and as such there is no one who can bring a charge against us. Only God has the right to judge, because he is the only one who can do it with purity and without prejudice.

We also learned that while the world condemns, for those who are in Christ Jesus there is no condemnation. He is the one who died, who was raised from the dead, who sits at God’s right hand and who intercedes for us.

Image by Alexa from Pixabay

With this knowledge we are now faced with the most important questions of all: Who will separate us from Christ? Will tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril or sword? This list Paul gives is meant to be inclusive of whatever trial or tribulation a Christian might find themselves in. Many of us have never known persecution, famine, nakedness, peril or sword, but that doesn’t mean we never will. The world is becoming more under the influence of our shadowed enemy and he regularly does all that he can to make us feel separated from our precious Savior’s love and care. However, that is all he can do.

These questions are followed by a description from Psalm 44:22. What does this mean, and why does it follow these questions? Our knowledge and understanding of the Old Testament remind us that as God’s people we will suffer. Christ, Himself, said, “…in this world you will have tribulation, but take heart I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

The phrase, “For Your sake we are being put to death all day long…” was part of a Maskil written by the Sons of Korah. A Maskil was a contemplative, didactic (meant to teach), and skillful psalm. In other words it was not written off the cuff, or in response to a difficulty being experienced. Many of David’s psalms are wholehearted emotional songs both of praise and thanksgiving or of discouragement and despair. This psalm was thought through and had the purpose of teaching us, not only about God, but about our struggle to find Him when we are suffering.

Let’s look a little more closely at this psalm.

“O God, we have heard with our ears,
Our fathers have told us
The work that You did in their days,
In the days of old.”

— Psalm 44:1 (NASB 1995)

Image by Robin Higgins from Pixabay

As the psalm begins the author(s) remember what they have learned from their forefathers. They understand how God moved and was involved in the lives of His people.

“4 You are my King, O God;
Command victories for Jacob.
5 Through You we will push back our adversaries;
Through Your name we will trample down those who rise up against us.
6 For I will not trust in my bow,
Nor will my sword save me.
7 But You have saved us from our adversaries,
And You have put to shame those who hate us.
8 In God we have boasted all day long,
And we will give thanks to Your name forever. Selah.”

— Psalm 44:4-8 (NASB 1995)

Image by Christine Engelhardt from Pixabay

They recognize God as King. They know that it is not their own efforts that will save them, but God will give them the victory. However, in the next set of phrases we see that this same God who had given them victories and fought for them, allowed them to be brought low.

“9 Yet You have rejected us and brought us to dishonor,
And do not go out with our armies.
10 You cause us to turn back from the adversary;
And those who hate us have taken spoil for themselves.
11 You give us as sheep to be eaten
And have scattered us among the nations.”

— Psalm 44:9-11 (NASB 1995)

Image by M W from Pixabay

The psalmist is left questioning. He even goes on to suggest the unwritten question: Why?

“17 All this has come upon us, but we have not forgotten You,
And we have not dealt falsely with Your covenant.
18 Our heart has not turned back,
And our steps have not deviated from Your way,
19 Yet You have crushed us in a place of jackals
And covered us with the shadow of death.”

— Psalm 44:17-19 (NASB 1995)

Image by nadia Clarence from Pixabay

The author allows himself to question to the very end of the psalm, but he also makes that statement in verst 22. He knows it is for God’s purpose that God is silent. He knows it is for God’s glory that we suffer.

“20 If we had forgotten the name of our God
Or extended our hands to a strange god,
21 Would not God find this out?
For He knows the secrets of the heart.
22 But for Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.
23 Arouse Yourself, why do You sleep, O Lord?
Awake, do not reject us forever.
24 Why do You hide Your face
And forget our affliction and our oppression?
25 For our soul has sunk down into the dust;
Our body cleaves to the earth.
26 Rise up, be our help,
And redeem us for the sake of Your lovingkindness.”

— Psalm 44:20-26 (NASB 1995)

Image by Ara_a from Pixabay

I think it is important to end this post focusing on the very last phrase of the psalm, “….redeem us for the sake of Your lovingkindness.” For those of us who have been studying the Word, and maturing in our Christian walk we have wrestled with the very same thoughts that the author of this psalm did. “Why did you leave us? Where did you go? Why have you let us be cast down? We have been faithful, but still we suffer?”

We can certainly look at our own circumstances or those of the people around us that we love and care about and see the suffering. But, we can always appeal to His lovingkindness. God does not have to save us, or rescue us or give us comfort, but He does. Our struggles and feelings will come and go, but when we place our focus on Him and remain in Him (John 15), He will always be found faithful.

Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ, no matter how we feel; no matter how far away we might think He is, He is always with us.

“9 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. ”

— John 15:9 (NASB 1995)