Grief — Faith — Stylin' Granny Mama

The word tarry as defined in Webster’s Online Dictionary means: to delay or be tardy in action or doing; to linger in expectation; wait; to abide or stay in or at a place; stay, or sojourn. Tarry is an older word used in the first few senses in the 14th century. Ask yourself, how often do I use the word tarry today? We don’t usually say, “I tarried at the train station.” “I’m going to tarry at the seashore.” “I’m sure to tarry in line at the concert.” It sounds rather archaic.

When it comes to this word journey I have been on for the year 2024, I like the way tarry opens up other doors and windows to this idea of waiting. As I have noted previously, waiting can be a complete drag, and most of us would not sign up for an adventure in waiting, but our lives are full of lines, traffic jams, delays, and prospects of a future that require we wait.

When I hear the word tarry, I do not think of a long term situation. However, if we look at the King James Version of scripture, which uses a synonym, sojourn we see that the span of time could be quite lengthy.

“Now the sojourning of the children of Israel, who dwelt in Egypt, was four hundred and thirty years.”

— Exodus 12:40 (KJV)

Still we get the sense that it was not intended to be forever. When God speaks of a long term living situation He often uses the word dwell, or abide. We took a closer look at the word abide in February. You can see that post here.

“1 Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
2 It is like the precious oil upon the head,
Coming down upon the beard,
Even Aaron’s beard,
Coming down upon the edge of his robes.
3 It is like the dew of Hermon
Coming down upon the mountains of Zion;
For there the Lord commanded the blessing—life forever.”

— Psalm 133 (NASB 1995)

Psalm 133 has a tone I would associate with a long term living situation. God intended that we dwell together in unity in a place where we experience the blessing of life forever. In this psalm it is a reference to Zion, which we can also look at as eternity with God. With the state many of our current churches are in it can be hard to imagine being able to dwell with those same brothers or sisters together forever in unity. Ha, ha. However, God said it will be true. We won’t just be tarrying, but putting down roots and dwelling.

Since we already looked at the idea of abide, I wanted to spend some time thinking about what it means to tarry with God. I have learned, it is essential that we tarry with God as much as we can, especially when our lives are pulling us in so many directions. You might feel on any given day, “I don’t have time to abide. I am too busy.” However, if we don’t find the time, God will give us the time, and that is not always preferable as it usually comes with some sort of difficulty. God is not mean hearted, He loves you purely with everlasting love, and He knows exactly what you need, and that is directly linked to the time you spend with Him.

Let me give you a personal example. I was really struggling for several weeks this past month. I was exhausted, discouraged and my heart felt so heavy. Grief was a blanket I was regularly wrapping up in. Grief over my mom being in a nursing home and not being able to be there to help with her care. Grief over my children who have walked away from the truth of the scripture and the love of Jesus. Grief over the state of our country and the fear of the looming downward spiral. Grief over relationships. Grief over loved ones with cancer and other illnesses. Grief over other people’s kids who were struggling with addictions and various other issues. Grief over my own health. The list goes on.

I am learning the importance of acknowledging these feelings and allowing myself to feel them. They are real, after all, and are felt on the deepest levels. However, we all know we can’t live in those dark places. We always need to return to the light, otherwise the darkness will become an all too comfortable place to abide and dwell.

I felt God pulling me. Whispering to me, “Amy, come to Me. Spend time with Me. Only I can meet every need and help you bear every burden.” I know this to be true, but as you know our flesh wars against us every chance it gets. Finally, one sunny afternoon, I took my Bible and my prayer journal out on the patio and began a search through the scriptures. I was looking for Psalm 34:18

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

— Psalm 34:18 (NASB 1995)

I knew it was in the psalms, but I couldn’t remember where, so I just started leafing through. God brought me two different passages.

“8 Depart from me, all you who do iniquity,
For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.
9 The Lord has heard my supplication,
The Lord receives my prayer.”

— Psalm 6:8-9 (NASB 1995)

“1 “I love You, O Lord, my strength.”
2 The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies.”

— Psalm 18:1-3 (NASB 1995)

When we tarry with God we can find peace and joy, even in the midst of our grief and pain. When we tarry we spend time, even just a small amount of time, doing the following:

1 - Remembering God’s character - He hears our weeping, our supplication and He receives our prayers. Don’t you love that? God isn’t ashamed of our emotions. He wants us to come and ask. He is our Abba, Father and He loves us. He wants to hear our prayers. He doesn’t just hear them, He receives them. He takes them on as His own. Remember The Bee Keeper? If you don’t, buzz on over to that post for a refresher.

2 - Acknowledging His abilities - He is our strength. He is our rock, our fortress, and our deliverer. He is our shield. He is our salvation. He is our stronghold. He is our refuge. All of these things are His abilities, and He gives them to us without reserve. He can protect, give strength, and get us through anything that comes our way.

“7 Then the earth shook and quaked;
And the foundations of the mountains were trembling
And were shaken, because He was angry.
8 Smoke went up out of His nostrils,
And fire from His mouth devoured;
Coals were kindled by it.
9 He bowed the heavens also, and came down
With thick darkness under His feet.
10 He rode upon a cherub and flew;
And He sped upon the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness His hiding place, His canopy around Him,
Darkness of waters, thick clouds of the skies.
12 From the brightness before Him passed His thick clouds,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
13 The Lord also thundered in the heavens,
And the Most High uttered His voice,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
14 He sent out His arrows, and scattered them,
And lightning flashes in abundance, and routed them.
15 Then the channels of water appeared,
And the foundations of the world were laid bare
At Your rebuke, O Lord,
At the blast of the breath of Your nostrils.”

— Psalm 18:7-15 (NASB 1995)

3 - Renewing our understanding of Him - I have read Psalm 18 numerous times, but the Scripture, being that it is living and active, spoke to me anew. The above verses floored me. He is not just a gentle and loving God; He is a powerful, mighty force able to move mountains with a thought. He has, can and will display holy anger when the time is right for His wrath and will to be accomplished. It sets my heart to quaking, but also fills me with hope. He will have the final word, and all that is dark, and ugly, and painful will be burned away in His purest, most holy light.

“16 He sent from on high, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
17 He delivered me from my strong enemy,
And from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the Lord was my stay.
19 He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me.”

— Psalm 18:16-19 (NASB 1995)

“49 Therefore I will give thanks to You among the nations, O Lord,
And I will sing praises to Your name.”

— Psalm 18:49 (NASB 1995)

4 - Thanking Him for all He has done - If you can only tarry for a few minutes, I think this is the best bench to sit on. Gratitude is known to change hearts, minds, health, and perspective. When we sit for a few minutes on God’s goodness and provision to us it gives us the ability to keep going because we come away with hope. With God there is always hope.

Take it from me, if you are struggling with grief, pain, bitterness or other unresolved feelings and situations it certainly is helpful to talk it out with a trusted friend or counselor, but also don’t forget to tarry for a little while with Jesus. He makes all the difference.

I’ve decided to take another week off, before getting back to my series on Godly traits. On Monday my daughter texted me that a woman from our former church had died unexpectedly. I was in shock. Mary was only a few years older than me. She had five grown children, a devoted husband and her first grandchild, a girl, whom she adored. She was dearly loved, not only by her immediate family, but by siblings and church family and friends. What really floored me, and many others, was the fact that last summer Mary had gone into the hospital with a lung infection. After months in the hospital and rehab, she seemed to get better. She got to go home and resume a somewhat normal life. Not long after life started having some semblance of normalcy, Mary lost her sister to cancer, this was just last month. Last week, Mary ended up, back in the hospital and Monday morning she died.

Sweeny family. Mary is in the middle with her husband Paul. My daughter took these pictures this past spring. Photo credit Rebecca Trumbull.

I felt myself questioning God. Why, Lord? Why? This was a beautiful woman; one of your sheep, who loved and gave and was gracious. She was a beautiful soul, inside and out. She loved her family and took others in as if they were part of the family. She exuded the peace that passes all understanding and I would often see her posting quotes from Ann VosKamp’s One Thousand Gifts on being thankful. The funny thing was, I didn’t really know Mary that well. We moved in different circles as our kids were growing up and while we went to the same church, we weren’t able to spend vast amounts of time together. However, I still feel this loss. It is as if in a galaxy full of stars, Mary’s shown so brightly, that the burning out of that star affected the whole universe.

I am not sharing this with you to look for sympathy. This was a tragic and unexpected loss, but what I wanted to do was use these musings as a branch from which to tie a rope, take a leap, swing out and fall into the river of God’s grace.

How do we deal with these things? How do we get past the shaking of the fist towards the sky, to the questioning why, to the acceptance, to the choice to believe that He is good, no matter what, to the final step of lifting our hands in praise, adoration and thanksgiving? Two words come to mind which I have used on the blog before, baby steps.

A baby does not learn to walk immediately. It is a process. They reach, they scoot, they rock, they roll, they crawl, they grab, they pull themselves up, they move around the furniture and eventually they let go and take those first steps. Those first steps aren’t perfect, but they are full of enthusiasm. When we are new in our relationship with Christ we are full of enthusiasm. We want to tell the world what He has done, not only for us as individuals, but for the whole world. We want to share the good news that Jesus loves the unlovely, rescues the drowning, lifts up the cripple and fully redeems that which was completely lost.

Then life happens. We experience disappointment, pain, heartbreak and loss. If we are being honest with ourselves we do not like these things and many of us probably thought when we came to Christ that it was going to be smooth sailing. How very wrong we were. If anything, it seems, at least for some, that we are being shot at by the biggest guns available on a US battleship. Worse yet, we might be getting hammered by friendly fire, while well intended, completely misses the mark and wounds us instead of helping us out.

So how do we approach loss without losing our faith? How do we endure pain without giving up hope? How do we continue to walk when we are clearly wounded and would rather lay down and die?

One baby step at a time.

Baby Step 1 - Shaking fists and questions.

God is much bigger than we are. He created us and He knows our frame is but dust. As the Creator he manipulated that dust, breathing life into it. Don’t ever think, He doesn’t get it. He most certainly knows our weaknesses, our pit falls and our innermost feelings. You might not be literally shaking your fist at Him, but He knows what you are thinking on the inside. Sometimes it is okay to get mad, to raise our hands, not in praise, but in frustration, anger and pain. The key is to not stay there. It is okay to say:

I don’t get it.

It’s not fair.

Why? Why? Why?

I don’t like you right now?

It hurts and you let it happen.

That is exactly how I felt about Mary’s death. She was a vibrant woman and God let her die. I couldn’t help thinking, there are thousands of others, suffering with debilitating illnesses, pain and complete loss of ability to remember their own families or even how to use the bathroom. Why not take one of them? Why not relieve someone else of their burden? But He didn’t. He took Mary.

It felt wrong to have those thoughts and feelings, but they are real, visceral, but real and doesn’t God know that? He gave His own Son to suffer and die. He knows loss. He knows pain. Jesus knows loneliness and abandonment.

This is an absolutely acceptable part of grief. Whether your loss is the death of a loved one, an unfaithful partner, a divorce, a rebellious child, a parent going through Alzheimers, or the loss of a long time job, it is okay to feel anger, and it is okay to question why.

Baby Step 2 - Wear the blanket.

When my father died back in 2006, I distinctly remember walking in a fog. Life just seemed rather cloudy and my brain felt full of cotton. Often when we grieve we think that the best thing for us is to throw ourselves back into life, subduing the overwhelming sense of loss to a dull ache. In most cultures the process of grief is much more elaborate and loud.

In 1985 I spent a summer in Africa. During that time, I got to experience a true death wail. It was unnerving as a group, of mostly women, wept and wailed and cried over a baby who had tragically passed away. This was no reserved whispered ceremony. This was a loud progression of frenzied sobs and tears. They let their expression of the sadness they felt erupt into the still, dark night, like a mass of molten lava pouring out of a volcano.

While I do not expect that, here in our US of A, we are going to start doing a death wail, it is good to allow ourselves to feel grief. I truly believe wrapping yourself up in the blanket of grief every once in a while, helps you to heal faster. If putting on a real blanket helps with the symbolism, go ahead. However, you do it, take some time to feel the sadness and the pain. Cry, sob, moan and even wail. It’s okay. Then when you feel a bit of relief, put the blanket away and go live life. Eventually, you will find, you don’t need that blanket quite so often. Eventually, you will be able to put it away, all together.

Baby Step 3 - Choices.

The best way to handle making choices during a time of grief is to choose slowly and thoughtfully. Don’t rashly give up your faith. Don’t decide to sell everything you have, join a commune and move to Tibet. Don’t start drinking. Don’t obsess on your loss. The greatest mistake we make when we are in the throes of grief is to think we are okay and we can handle this on our own. It is important to choose to take care of ourselves and to allow people to take care of us. We were not meant to be islands. We are supposed to live in community with others. In fact you might find there are others who have already been through the grief process before you. They can help, if you let them .

In addition, choose truth. Often we question whether God really loves us when someone or something has been taken away from us, but if we keep our eyes on scripture we will remember verses like:

“The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.”

— Jeremiah 31:3 (NASB)

“nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

— Romans 8:39 (NASB)

“Finally, brethren, rejoice, be made complete, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.”

— 2 Corinthians 13:11 (NASB)

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,”

— Ephesians 2:4 (NASB)

God does love us and He always will. He will always be there for us, even in the midst of trial and grief.

Baby Step 4 - Take Action

Once we have worked through the emotions of anger, pain and sadness we can begin to, once again, take action. Action might start out with something simple like getting out of bed, taking a shower and getting dressed. Eventually, you might be able to go out and take a walk or meet a friend for coffee. Down the road, you may make it to church and then out to do something fun again. Your loved ones would not want you to stop living life. Besides it is in the choice to start living again, that God reveals His most precious and magnificent promises.

After I found out Mary was gone, I knew my sadness and shock was not as sharp as the edge on the sword her family was and is feeling right now, but I also felt that God had let me down. I prayed for Mary’s healing and He didn’t come through. That evening, my husband and I took a walk. I looked up at the expanse of night sky and heard His voice saying, “I’m still right here.”

Wow! That was just what I needed to hear. He is still right there and He always will be. He is there for us to lean on, pound on and depend on no matter what and knowing that is sometimes all we need. When I realize He is really all I need to get through, I am able to raise my hands in praise to Him and I can start remembering what I am thankful for.

My friend Mary was a Christian. She is with Jesus now. She is also with her mom and her sister who went before her. She left behind a legacy of love, and friendship for her family and her friends. The world is a more beautiful place because of her and I can be thankful that I knew her.

A Year of Waiting - Tarry

Lessons from Loss