When Darkness Comes - Part 7: Revealing our True Hearts

I have been doing a series on the darkness as it pertains to times of struggle in our lives. The last two posts revolved around truth; the truth we know about God and the truth we know about ourselves as seen in the Word of God. We cannot, however, have truth and not acknowledge the feelings and emotions that God created us with. As we saw last time, we often put on False Faces, so that we can cope and pretend the truth has penetrated our hearts, but in reality it hasn’t. I have been sharing my own experience with you, because through my own walk in the dark, I have learned that truth must be wrestled with before it can become a part of our inner being.

Image by Herbert Aust from Pixabay

God knows our delicate frame and also knows He gave us a mind that can think, reason and question. However, we must remember our minds were meant to be in communion with Him. The longer we let our minds dwell on what is false, hopeless and destructive, the less we will be able to recognize His truth. When we are walking in the darkness, there is no doubt, the Unseen Enemy will try to manipulate that shadowed path to his advantage. That is precisely why it is so important to stand on the God’s truth, but not just stand, we have to wrestle with it and allow Him to pierce our souls with it.

He has done that with me. Even as I type this, tears come to my eyes, because I realize, as an Almighty being, He owes me nothing. He has no reason to gift me His time or attention. He does so, because He chooses to. The incredible, lavish fact is, He chooses to do this, even when I am at my lowest, ranting about how unfair life is or how hard things are, or questioning impatiently when will this darkness end.

In order to get to this point of allowing God to pierce us, we must acknowledge our feelings, as ugly as they can be. Feelings are often tied to experiences, both good and bad. In my heart I have a room. Inside, there are shelves full of experiences, mostly those with other people. Most of these are bad experiences. When I feel bad, I unlock that room and I go inside, closing the door behind me. It isn’t a comfortable room, filled with fairy lights and comfy, overstuffed furniture. It’s more like an old attic, full of cobwebs, dark corners and lots of junk. I find a place on the hard floor and I start reviewing all that junk…all those times I yelled at my kids; all the angry words between my husband and I; all those feelings of never measuring up…of not being enough…of being invisible.

Image by József Kincse from Pixabay

Most of us have something like my attic room, where we revisit things that happened or didn’t happen. These are part of emotional make up of who we are and God is patient with us. He allows us those moments, but He doesn’t want us to stay there. Eventually, it would be nice if I could hand that key over to Him and walk away. I haven’t done that yet, but I am getting closer.

I am going to share an except from my journal, when I was revealing my true heart to God. I share these things, not to make you feel sorry for me or to make you think how hard I have had it, but I hope by being vulnerable with you, you will choose to be vulnerable with God.

“I guess what it comes down to, Lord, is I am sad that I am invisible. I know there are lots of people struggling with far worse things than feeling invisible. There are wives whose husbands are unfaithful; there are children whose caretakers are abusive; there are elderly men and women fading like an old photograph with no one to visit or care about their needs, or desires. There are people who have felt the pain of divorce, the death of a child or spouse...and here I am feeling sad...that I feel invisible.

But I would not be a healthy person if I did not acknowledge I am sad, and it hurts. It hurts to be forgotten; to have a face that is unmemorable; to have no voice except one that is deemed naggy, bitchy or emotional. I am only acknowledged when I mess up. I am only texted or called when someone wants something...””

— Amy's journal from 5/23/21

Image by Vojtěch Kučera from Pixabay

There are several things I want you to notice. I am acknowledging my feelings. I am unloading. I have remembered God’s truth about Himself and about me, and now I am letting Him know how I feel. My intellect knows what is true…I am not invisible. I have a family who does love me. I have friends…but the acknowledgement of feelings is so important in healing and in allowing God to bring His word into the deep places of our hearts. I go on to make this very point in my journal.

“Lord, I am venting. I know what Your word says. I am not invisible. Your word says You knew me before I was born. You know my thoughts from afar. There is no place I can go to get away from You. I am not invisible to You. (Psalm 139)”

— Amy's journal from 5/23/21

The other thing I want you to notice is that I recognize I am not alone in suffering. There are many who are suffering; many who have it far worse than I do, but that does not diminish my feelings or my need to lay those feelings at His feet. This is a process.

The next step follows: I recognize that some of my struggle is a result of sin, and the work of the Unseen Enemy.

“Lord, I ask Your forgiveness that I struggle with these feelings over and over. I should be mature enough to be so over it, but right now I am not. I am weak.

I ask for Your protection. I know my enemy would like to devour me, my family, but he cannot. Renew my mind, because I cannot. I choose to lean in to You; in to your comfort, mercy and grace; into Your sufferings. I embrace it all and I call on Your name...the name of Jesus, knowing He is the Great Warrior Prince and He will rescue me.”

— Amy's Journal - 5/23/21

Finally, I acknowledge the power and supremacy of the Almighty One.

“Thank you for You hem me in behind and before; that You are my rear guard; that You hold my hand and walk with me through every single valley. You are the Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace. You alone are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.”

— Amy's Journal - 5/23/31

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Don’ be afraid to let God peer into the deepest places of your heart. Allowing Him access to those attic rooms will eventually bring about true renewal and cleansing. Wrestle with God’s truth. Tell Him how you really feel as you maneuver the darkness of your path. Let Him pierce you deep and He will bring you to new understanding and heights of His love.

Next time we will look at another piece of this refining process as we continue our journey in the darkness. I hope you are able to join me. Thank you for all your support and I pray God will become more real to you today than He ever has before.

Living in the Valley

It has been a few weeks since I wrote a faith post. My husband and I went on a vacation to visit places and people in Wisconsin. It was an enjoyable trip, but I didn't have much time to write. While it is fun and important to get away, the reality is that we live in the ordinary moments of life much more often than in the extraordinary moments. Who doesn't want to live on the mountaintop, but most of us spend the majority of our time trudging through the valley bottom. 

Let me say, the valley bottom is not the pristine, green grass, river filled valley. No, it is the valley that runs between two rugged, rocky cliffs and there is no water in sight for miles. Overhead the vultures are constantly circling, waiting for the valley dwellers to stumble and fall so they can begin to feed off their soon to be dead bodies. Not a pretty picture.

“When you have no vision from God, no enthusiasm left in your life, and no one watching and encouraging you, it requires the grace of Almighty God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His Word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. It takes much more of the grace of God, and a much greater awareness of drawing upon Him, to take that next step, than it does to preach the gospel.”

— Oswald Chambers - My Utmost for His Highest - March 6th

I love this thought from Oswald Chambers. He says it takes more grace and a more concentrated effort to draw on Him to take the next step in living the ordinary, mundane life, than to preach the gospel. What do you think? Do you agree? 

I have been finding life more and more challenging lately. My energy level is lower, I have physical issues that I never had to deal with before and I am continually reminded, not only of all the things I need to do, but also of all the things I have absolutely no control over. These factors all become part of life in the valley. Living here in the valley becomes a matter of trudging, not running, or skipping or even walking. Every once in a while, it becomes a crawl, a begging on hands and knees with the Master of this land to come and either let it end or bring about some sort of change. It was from this prostrate place that Oswald realized the thoughts he shared in the quote above. It truly does take the grace of the Almighty to take the next step.

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I know, without a doubt, that some of you are in this place. Just like me, you go to bed so exhausted, that you pray God will take you in your sleep, so that you don't have to get up in the morning. Some of you, don't sleep. He doesn't even give you that. But, you do get up in the morning and you start all over again...the walk, the stumble, the crawl. You feel like you could use time away, a retreat, but there is no retreat. You feel like you could use a good, long cry, but you know the tears won't change anything, besides you are too busy, too tired. You feel like you want to run away, to leave everyone and everything behind, just go somewhere and become someone different, but you know that is not the right thing to do and you are just too tired. Day after day, drudgery after drudgery. This is life in our valley.

BUT GOD!

No enthusiasm?

BUT GOD!

No one noticing?

BUT GOD!

No encouragement?

BUT GOD!

“Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses;”

— 2 Corinthians 6:4 (NIV)

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

— Philippians 4:13 (NASB)

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
8 The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.”

— Psalm 121 (NASB)

“Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.”

— Galatians 6:9 (NASB)

I know life can be overwhelming, but God is not overwhelmed by it. We've heard it before, but I need to hear it again. Peter walked on water, though the stormy waves raged all around, as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus. If you are down and out by life, look up. Jesus will always meet you exactly where you are at. 

Remember, we are all together in this valley. 

Introvert? Yup!

Hi! My name is Amy and I am an introvert! Are you surprised? Maybe you are an introvert as well. You might be wondering how and why an introvert would have a fashion and faith blog. The faith part of it is a little easier to swallow, at least no one is looking at you. Fashion, however? How do I manage to stand in front of a camera, posing and smiling and not feel like a fake? Believe me, I often do feel that way. 

I have been an introvert for as long as I can remember. Here is how Webster's online dictionary defines the word:

“...one whose personality is characterized by introversion; especially : a reserved or shy person who enjoys spending time alone”

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I can remember as a child often hiding behind my mother when people would talk to me. My mother would often push me from out behind her to make me visible to whomever was addressing me. I didn't like people to notice me or talk about me. It is unknown to me why some of us are introverts and some of us are extroverts, though I am confident it is due to God making us one way or the other. I'm sure there have been all sorts of studies and articles on the differences between introverts and extroverts. Here are a few to look at: 

23 Signs You're Secretly an Introvert

What is an Introvert?

While the truth is, one personality type is not better than the other, as an introvert I have often felt the scorn of others because of my shyness. I have been called stuck up, aloof, a prude and other descriptive words that were not kind. I have also skulked away from a conversation or a social situation because my voiced opinions were laughed at, cut down or ignored. I have felt the icy coldness of what I call being invisible. 

As an introvert I struggle with the dichotomy of wanting to crawl under a rock and wanting to be noticed and remembered. It is an odd place to stand, as though I am permanently on a tight rope walking between two cliffs. On one side are roaring lions and on the other side are stomping dinosaurs. 

The reality is, I am not stuck up. I struggle socially. It is hard for me to make small talk, especially with people I don't know. When I go to a gathering, even with family, I am often overwhelmed. I am most comfortable in my home with a good book or an escapist type movie. That doesn't mean I don't want friends. It doesn't mean that I don't want to be with other people. It just means that I need more time to think, and refuel. 

Being an introvert who also struggles with Seasonal Affective Disorder is a further conundrum. Not only do I have the normal need for alone time, I also struggle with feeling alone, especially when it is dark and cold. Not only do I need more time to process, I have a harder time with the processing...and cravings for chocolate cake! 

By now you might be wondering what the point of this little post is. My goal is three-fold:

1. To make you aware.

Introverted people are not cold, aloof or mean, they are simply different. They have emotions and feelings that run just as deep as extroverts. They love deeply, worry deeply and might just make fantastic friends. Instead of judging a person to be this or that, try getting to know them. If you see that person standing alone at a party, go introduce yourself and ask lots of questions. Usually, an introvert is just as pleased to talk about themselves and give their opinions as the next person, they just need a little help. Also be understanding if they just want to stay home and read a book rather than go to that concert or other outing with a bunch of friends. Most of us introverts are more one on one or small group types of people. 

2. To remind you.

God created you. He meant for you to be just exactly who you are. I have found that being an introvert often pushes me towards God as i struggle to find my place in a very social world. It has also helped me to be more in tune to His voice when I have alone time. No matter if you are an introvert, an extrovert or somewhere in between, God made you exactly as He wants you to be. I can praise the Creator because:

“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.”

— Psalm 139:14 (NASB)

3. To encourage you.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”

— Philippians 4:13 (NASB)

We all have our struggles, but with Christ we are able to do anything. Christ has been my strength when I don't want to go to that social gathering, or start that conversation with my fellow employee, or network with those people at the coffee shop, or put myself out there, when I really would rather find a warm hole to crawl into. He is always there, ready and willing, to help me step out and up.

Our Great and Mighty Purpose

Do you ever struggle with your purpose? Do you ever feel as though the things you do are meaningless? Do you ever feel invisible? I do! I have struggled most of my life with feeling less than whole. I have too often been swayed by other's opinions of how I look, how I act or react and what my value is. Being a Christian does not eliminate the struggles, but it does put them in their proper perspective. 

You see, we are all sinners. We all fall short. 

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

— Romans 3:23 (NASB)

However, the blood of Christ made it possible that I can now have a relationship with God and with His Son. What does that mean for my purpose? It makes all the difference. 

“A Christian worker has to learn how to be God’s man or woman of great worth and excellence in the midst of a multitude of meager and worthless things.”

— Oswald Chambers - My Utmost for His Highest - October 25th

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Life is full of worthless and meager tasks. Cleaning toilets, doing laundry and mopping the kitchen floor all too often seem worthless. You know the cycle. Just when you get those dishes washed, another stack of bowls and spoons appear. Both our daughters are out of the house, so I am not quite sure how we use so many spoons. Ha, ha. Don't forget laundry. When the girls were growing up I made up a creature called the laundry monster and had a song that I sang when I saw him rearing his ugly head, Now that they are out of the house he is not as prominent, but those loads add up. And the cycle continues over and over and over. 

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If you have a job outside the home, it too can become seemingly worthless and meager. If you work retail like I do, the hours can be long, when the days are slow and the customers can be less than thankful when the days are busy. And the cycle continues over and over and over.

So how do we become those men and women of great worth and excellence as Oswald says? I think there are a few things we need to consider to realize our great and mighty purpose.

1. We are all human. There are very few of us who don't have to do dishes, laundry, take care of kids or aging family, meet the needs of a significant other or do some sort of work that wouldn't necessarily be considered fun. Obviously, there are wealthy people who can hire others to do many of those meager tasks, but they still have to bathe and groom themselves or at least wipe their own behinds when they go to the bathroom; a task that is not worth a lot, but we all do it or the world would be a pretty stinky place. 

2. We all start out ordinary. No one starts out as a movie star or the president of a company or a football player who gets paid millions whether he stands, sits or kneels. 

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“All God’s people are ordinary people who have been made extraordinary by the purpose He has given them. ”

— Oswald Chambers - My Utmost for His Highest - October 25th

I love this thought, because not only does it put us all on the same playing field, but it also reminds me that God is in control. If you are a mom, God put you there. If you are a corporate VP, God put you there. If you are a missionary to a foreign country, God put you there. We must come to grips with this idea that God allows the good, the bad and the mundane. 

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

— Roman's 8:28 (NASB)

3. God is always at work. God's purpose in our lives is to make us into the image of Christ. He desires that we draw closer and closer to Him. What better way to do that than to put us in circumstances that move us closer to being what He wants us to be. 

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“It is not that you have gotten God, but that He has gotten you. God is at work bending, breaking, molding, and doing exactly as He chooses. And why is He doing it? He is doing it for only one purpose - that He may be able to say, ‘This is My man, and this is My woman.’””

— Oswald Chambers - My Utmost for His Highest - 0ctober 25th

4. Our great and mighty purpose is to glorify Him. Paul knew this was the case when he was transformed from a hater and persecutor of Christians to being one of the greatest evangelists that ever lived. 

“ ...I have become all things to all men, so that I may by all means save some. I do all things for the sake of the gospel, so that I may become a fellow partaker of it.”

— I Corinthians 9:22-23 (NASB)

It doesn't matter where you are or what you do, your purpose is to glorify Him. How do we glorify God? We glorify Him when our actions, words and attitudes reflect the humility and love of Christ. 

“Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion,
2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.
8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name,
10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

— Philippians 2:1-11 (NASB)

Wash that load of a laundry with a song in your heart. Change that baby's diaper with thanksgiving. Deal with that cantankerous customer with kindness. Write, walk, work, love, play to the glory of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

This is our great and mighty purpose.